A Year of Silence
by TK Grimm
Summary: [Okita x Chizuru] Very slight AU. Chizuru meets with a god who agrees to cure Okita's tuberculosis if she agrees to not utter a sound for an entire year.
1. SACRIFICE

**Background Information on this Alternate Universe:** This story follows the timeline of the game until Chapter 3, where we will assume the battle of Toba-Fushimi is not going to take place, and the Shinsengumi will continue being a police force for Kyoto. I'm also keeping them in Nishi Hongwanji rather than Fudodo, for simplicity's sake. We spent a lot of time there, so I'm more familiar with the layout and have a better mental image to write with.

The story follows the game romance, Okita's route, up to the point where Okita is bedridden with tuberculosis but not yet a fury. For the sake of this story, I've removed the furies. And the demons. In fact, the only supernatural entity will be the 'god of wishes' that the Protagonist encounters, but that is something I made up entirely and not from actual mythology.

**Concerning the Protagonist**: The story technically uses Chizuru, but I don't ever physically describe her. I'm a fan of the game in that you can replace Chizuru with whatever name you want. So feel free to save this story and change her name. Just so you know, you can go to the url bar and change the "www" in the address to "m" for mobile, and it'll take you to the mobile version of this page, which will let you use copy/paste :D

**[**Okita x Chizuru – Very slight AU. Chizuru meets with a god who agrees to cure Okita's tuberculosis if she agrees to not utter a sound for an entire year.**]**

* * *

_**A Year of Silence**_

_TK Grimm_

* * *

**PART I: SACRIFICE**

* * *

**The God of Wishes**

* * *

He was coughing again. Somehow, Chizuru could always tell. She'd wake up in the middle of the night and quietly make her way to Okita's room. Sometimes he'd be awake and try to shoo her away. Other times, he'd be passed out again, tossing, turning, writhing—always in pain.

Tuberculosis was cruel. That was Chizuru's thought as she knelt down near Okita's head. She used a damp cloth to gently wipe away the sweat on his forehead. She'd run her fingers through his hair or hold his hand—things she'd never dare to do if he were awake—until he calmed down and his sleep became more peaceful.

Then, she'd watch over him. Sometimes for hours. Okita had always been a point of fascination for Chizuru, ever since the Shinsengumi first found her that night in the back alleys of Kyoto. When his cold words cut her to the bone, when he put his life on the line to protect her, when everything he said and did contradicted each other…

Somehow, this cruel, sadistic swordsman had wormed his way into her heart and carved out a place there. Without even meaning to. She was no fool—she knew he didn't care for her that way. But love in its purest form was selfless. Chizuru didn't need affirmation or even for him to return her affections. As long as he was happy and healthy.

But those two things were few and far between these days.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

The sun rose high into the sky by the time Okita regained consciousness. He felt Chizuru's presence before he opened his eyes and saw her. He lazily draped his arm over his eyes to shield them from the light of day.

"Chizuru-chan," he said, keeping his voice teasing. "Why is it every time I wake up, you're here watching over me?" He heard her breath catch in her throat and could envision her guilty expression, like a child getting in trouble with their parents. "You can't think I'm so weak I have to have you taking care of me all night now, do you?"

"Um, well no…"

"Or is it you just love me so much, you can't stand to be apart from me at night?" That comment was worth him lowering his arm so he could watch her face turn bright red. It was such a rapid change that it made him laugh every time.

"N-no!" she protested. "That's not it, Okita-san!"

Okita rose up in his futon, still snickering at Chizuru's expense. His green eyes landed on the wash cloth in her hands and the bowl of clean water at her side. She really had been taking care of him all night. He caught sight of the bags under her eyes, and he frowned in disapproval.

"I never asked you to do any of that for me," he said. His jovial mood was gone, replaced by the sour attitude he got when people fussed over his health. "I don't need you taking care of me."

Chizuru grew tense at his change in tone. She lowered her gaze submissively and said, "I know… You've always been so strong, Okita-san."

His fingers twitched at his sides. Before Chizuru, Kondou was the only one who never showed him pity but instead looked in awe at his strength. And now, there was her. Guilt gnawed at him from the insides. But still… if she stayed… if she stayed with him and took care of him like she did, she'd never find her father. She'd never leave the Shinsengumi. She'd never be a normal girl and live her life the way she was meant to.

Okita was not as cruel as he pretended to be. Sure, Hijikata was a little better at it, but Okita could really be a demon when he needed to be. He opened his mouth, and he cut into Chizuru like a thousand knives.

"How many times am I going to have to tell you to go away before you get it through that thick skull of yours? I don't want you here. I don't need you or anyone taking care of me. You think by feeding me and watching over me I'm going to magically recover from this? This disease is going to kill me. There's nothing you can do that will ever change that!"

Chizuru recoiled as if she'd been slapped. For an instant, Okita felt like a true monster. And maybe he was. But he'd hardened his resolve. This was for her own good. He forced his face into an expression of pure coldness, one that made her draw back in fear at the sight of it. "I don't want anything to do with you. Leave me alone, and never come back in here."

She sat there, staring at him in horror for a few seconds that felt like several minutes. Okita almost lost his nerve. Luckily, she scrambled to her feet, bowed to him, and ran out the door before he could say another word.

Killing people never made him feel half the monster that he felt like when he made Chizuru cry.

"That was very cruel, Souji."

Okita narrowed his eyes at the sound of Harada's voice. Of all people to eavesdrop on that, Harada was probably the worst choice. The Tenth Division captain stepped in front of Okita's door with his arms folded across his chest. His amber eyes were locked in the direction Chizuru had just run off in, but the disapproval on his face was clear.

"I know what you're doing," Harada said, sending his far-too-perceptive stare toward Okita. "But you didn't have to be so mean to her to do it."

Okita scowled. He laid back down in his futon and turned his back away from Harada. "I don't know what you're talking about, Sano-san."

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

Despite the pain that Okita's harsh words had caused her, Chizuru knew that he was right. She could stay by his side sunrise to sunset, and it wouldn't make a difference toward his health. Tuberculosis was killing him, and nothing she did seemed to change that.

But still… Chizuru remembered a legend. There was a God of Wishes who lived in wells named Tanukishiro. If you paid him an offering, he would come to you and hear your wish. Then, a deal could be made.

The God of Wishes did not come to just anyone, however. Some people left hundreds of ryo in wells only to never meet the God of Wishes. Others dropped random, loose change and were visited that night. Whether or not any of that was true, Chizuru was desperate and willing to believe anything that might save Okita.

And so, she scrounged up all the money she had saved since coming to Kyoto two years ago. It was everything she had. On the night of the full moon, not a cloud in the sky, she approached the well in Nishi Hongwanji Temple and poured every single coin she possessed into the water below.

Chizuru clapped her hands together and bowed her head in prayer. "Please," she whispered. "Please come to me and hear my wish. Please hear me out."

She stayed that way for exactly forty-four minutes before she saw a ripple in the well water. Chizuru jumped in fright and stumbled backward. She landed roughly on her backside.

And then, up jumped a small, furry creature. It was a white raccoon. He landed on the edge of the well and, despite having come from inside a well, he was completely dry.

"_What a desperate plea from a little girl_."

His voice was gravelly and male, but his mouth did not move. Still, Chizuru knew it had come from the raccoon. He stared at her without expression.

Though frightened, Chizuru pulled herself up and sat down on her knees in front of the well. "Are you the God of Wishes?" she asked.

"_I am_," said the white raccoon god. "_And I've come to hear your desire_."

Chizuru bent down into a bow, her forehead just above the dirt, with her hands in front of her touching the ground. "Please," she begged. "Please cure Okita-san's tuberculosis."

"_He is dying_," Tanukishiro said. "_You ask much. Do you not wish for anything for yourself_?"

It sounded like the god was going to refuse her. Her eyes stung with tears. Chizuru lifted her head and looked up at the white raccoon with desperation. "There is nothing I want more than his health! Please, please save him!"

"_Does he know you are doing this for him_?"

She lowered her gaze. "No."

"_Little girl_," said Tanukishiro. "_You live your life in silence. You must learn to speak anew_."

Chizuru furrowed her brow, daring to look up again into the golden eyes of the white raccoon. "I don't understand…"

"_I will test your resolve_," said the disembodied voice of the white raccoon god. "_You must remain silent for one full year. Do so, and Okita Souji will be cured. But the moment you utter a single sound, his illness will return, and Death will claim him. If you keep your word, come to me in one year's time, and our deal will be complete. Do you understand?_"

She opened her mouth to respond in giddy affirmative, but Chizuru stopped quickly. What if the year had already begun? She snapped her mouth shut and nodded meekly to the raccoon.

The small creature's mouth twisted into a fanged smile. "_The deal is made_."

* * *

**Recovery**

* * *

Okita awoke feeling better than he had in months. He could still feel lingering traces of his illness, but for once, he could take a breath of air and not feel the burning pain in his throat and lungs. Fatigue didn't hang over him like clouds. He pulled himself out of his futon and slid open the door to the outside.

The breath of summer air was rejuvenating. Okita looked down at his hands in awe. He felt strength in his fingers. He felt hungry, he felt awake, he felt _alive_.

He glanced back at the corner of his room where his swords were propped up against the wall. His clothes were folded neatly nearby.

He grinned.

Once he was dressed and armed, Okita left his room and went straight for the dojo. He could hear some of the men getting in an early practice, and he anxiously hurried his pace so he could join them. He opened the double doors with a dramatic flair and said, "Look at you assholes getting in some practice without me. I see how it is."

Inside, Heisuke and Nagakura were going at it with their swords while Harada stood nearby as referee. They all froze at Okita's voice, though, and turned to face him with shock and concern.

"Souji!" said Harada. "You should be resting."

"I've had enough resting to last me a lifetime," Okita said. He walked over to the wall and picked up one of the wooden practice swords. He gave it an experimental swing before he pointed it in their direction. "One of you, come at me."

Heisuke made a loud noise of protest. "We can't do that! You're sick!"

Okita's green eyes flashed with annoyance. "I'm _fine_. Better than I've felt in months. If you're too cowardly to come at me one at a time, then I'll take all three of you at once."

"Are you joking, Souji?" Nagakura said, frowning. "You wanna die or something?"

Talking clearly wasn't getting him anywhere, so Okita labeled conversation as pointless and charged for the closest opponent. It just so happened to be Heisuke. The Eighth Captain quickly raised his _bokken_ to instinctively block the attack, but Okita continued his assault, pushing Heisuke back until he was knocked off his feet and onto his back on the floor.

Okita held his sword back at eye level, now pointed at Nagakura, with his left hand extended toward the tip of the wooden blade. Heisuke hadn't tried fighting back, but knocking him down like that was still exhilarating.

Nagakura's eyes widened, and he took a step back. "Whoa, hang on, Souji, I don't—"

When Okita dove for him, Nagakura used his _bokken_ to deflect the blow. With Okita on such a fast, powerful offensive, it was all Nagakura could do to simply keep up with him and block. He hadn't seen Okita fight like this since the Ikedaya.

Before he knew it, Nagakura was grinning widely. Okita's scowl was replaced by a smirk, and the two fell into a sparring match that had them both covered in sweat. It was just like old times, and for his part, Nagakura completely forgot about Okita's illness.

They'd have kept going if Hijikata hadn't chosen that exact time to enter the dojo. The Oni Vice-Commander looked momentarily stunned by the sight of Nagakura and Okita sparring, but his face quickly shifted into one of rage. "What do you two think you're doing? Souji, didn't I tell you I didn't want to see you pick up a sword until you went a day without coughing up a lung?"

Okita lowered his arm so his sword pointed toward the ground. He wiped sweat from his forehead and glowered at Hijikata for ruining his fun. "I _have_ gone all day without coughing, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata wasn't buying it. "If you think I'll believe—"

"Wait!" said Nagakura a little breathlessly. "It's true, Hijikata-san. Souji and I have been practicing a while! He seems fine!"

"Impossible," Hijikata said as he furrowed his brow in disbelief.

Harada shook his head and approached the group in the center of the dojo. "I would've said the same thing, but look at him. Souji, how's your breathing?"

Okita took a deep breath and exhaled slowly to prove his point. "I feel fine."

"It's a miracle," Heisuke said with wide eyes.

It was clear Hijikata wasn't fully convinced. His jaw was set, and he was watching Okita with a calm air, his face deep in thought. "If you truly are feeling better, then that's good news. But I still want you to take it easy for now in case you have a relapse. If you're still feeling this good by the end of the week, you can resume your duties as Captain of the First Division."

They were words Okita never thought he'd hear. Heisuke let out a whoop of joy, and Nagakura pulled Okita to him to lock him in a headlock while he ruffled his hair proudly. Okita was in too much of a happy daze to pull away from him.

"Chizuru-chan will be beside herself with relief," Harada commented idly. He had a small smile on his face, as if he were privy to information the rest of the world missed out on.

"That's right!" Heisuke said excitedly. "I'll go tell her!"

Harada grabbed the back of Heisuke's collar before the young captain could run off. "Heisuke," he said. "Don't you think we should tell Kondou-san first? Souji can tell Chizuru-chan himself after."

Okita pulled himself free of Nagakura's grasp and put on a face of bland indifference. "Heisuke can tell her. I'm going to go find Kondou-san."

It goes without saying that Kondou Isami was thrilled. After that, the news of Okita's recover spread through the Shinsengumi like wildfire. Everyone in the First Division was eager to welcome back their captain, even if he was still technically out of commission for the rest of the week under the Vice-Commander's orders. They threw their fists into the air and cheered, and for the first time in forever, Okita felt like his old self again.

It was one of the longest nights Nishi Hongwanji Temple had ever seen. Since Hijikata refused to allow Okita to leave Headquarters (just in case), a night at Shimabara was out of the question. That being said, it didn't stop the entire First Division and majority of the captains from bringing the party to _him_ instead. Food and drinks were plentiful, and to Hijikata's surprise (and relief), Okita did not cough once.

Early the next morning, when most of the men were passed out drunk in the mess hall, Chizuru started tip-toeing around them and picking up empty sake bottles. The sun was just starting to rise, and judging by the snores of the men, she had plenty of time before she needed to start breakfast.

"Working hard, Chizuru-chan?"

She jumped at the sound of his voice, but she didn't drop the ceramic flasks she was holding. Chizuru turned around toward Okita and smiled and nodded to him.

Okita was leaning against the open doorway with his arms folded across his chest. With Chizuru's lack of a full response, his playful smirk disappeared and was replaced with a small frown. Teasing her was one of his favorite pass-times. He was still too excited and pleased to sleep, so when he saw that she was awake, it seemed like a great opportunity to make up for lost time.

But… she was quiet. She still smiled at him in that bright, stupid way of hers, but she didn't say a word. No _ohayo_, no _Okita-san_, no nothing. Was she… perhaps still upset about what he'd said to her yesterday? Even he had to admit that it was harsh, but… she was always able to brush his cruel comments aside before.

"Kid," he said, drawing her attention back to him. "Are you okay?"

Her eyes widened, as if she couldn't believe he was even asking her. Chizuru quickly smiled at him and nodded, making some gesture with her hands that looked placating. Then, she went back to cleaning.

Okita's frown deepened. Was she giving him the silent treatment? She certainly didn't _seem_ hostile. But why wasn't she speaking? He decided to go with a different approach, since scaring her would probably be a step in the wrong direction. Instead, Okita strolled over to her and leaned down so his face was obnoxiously close to hers. He grinned at her blush and spoke in a teasing tone. "Why aren't you speaking to me, Chizuru-chan? You're going to hurt my feelings."

Immediately, her brow creased with worry. She set down the _tokkuri_ flasks and waved her hands in front of her body rapidly, to assure him that she didn't mean to offend. Chizuru tapped her throat with one of her hands, her mouth open to mime that she could not speak.

Okita's brow furrowed, and he tilted his head to the side slightly. "You lost your voice?"

Chizuru nodded, clearly relieved that he understood.

Okita chuckled and tried not to let _his_ relief show. He smirked at her and patted her on the head. "Poor kid. You're supposed to be celebrating my miraculous recovery, and yet here you are cleaning up after us with no voice. Aren't you happy that I'm feeling better, Chizuru-chan?"

Her eyes widened, and she opened her mouth to protest, but she stopped herself from making a sound. She dipped down in an apologetic bow to Okita.

He sighed and pulled her back up so she was standing up straight. "It's fine. I was messing with you. Keep taking my jokes seriously, and I'll have to kill you for not laughing."

Chizuru beamed at him. It was that innocent smile of hers that always managed to twist Okita's insides into knots. She was far too genuine.

"Run along now and start breakfast," he told her. "These assholes can clean up after themselves." Chizuru looked ready to protest, but Okita hushed her. He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her around toward the door. "Go on—make yourself useful, Chizuru-chan."

She nodded and scurried out of the mess hall.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

Despite being well on his way to recovery, Okita wasn't quite up to par with his old strength. He had to exercise, work out, and train daily to regain what he'd lost while bedridden. Hijikata expressed disapproval at him pushing his body so hard after making it through tuberculosis, but Okita ignored him. Now that he was feeling better, he wanted to resume his duties in the Shinsengumi as soon as possible.

His troop was supportive. Okita's skill with a katana was legendary, and now that he was back in action, their awe and admiration for him only seemed to grow. It provided a great source of motivation for him—he wanted to prove them right.

The best motivation, however, was always Kondou. Okita's feelings toward Kondou varied between older brother to father figure, but there was no doubt that the Commander was the most important person in Okita's life. If Okita could continue being Kondou's sword, his life was complete.

"I'm so glad to see you're feeling better, Souji," Kondou told him. "You really had me worried there for a while."

"You don't have to worry about me, Kondou-san," Okita replied. There was a certain gentle tone to his voice that he only ever used when he was alone with Kondou. "I'm just glad I can fight for you again."

A sad sort of smile came into Kondou's face. "I am, too, but are you sure this is what you want?"

Okita looked at his leader with confusion. "What do you mean? I want to protect you."

"I know, but your recovery has me thinking," Kondou admitted. "Now that your illness is gone, it's like you've been given a second chance at life. I realize now that up to this point, you've been living your life for _me_. But I wonder if the time has come for you to start living for _you_."

A frightful chill traveled down Okita's spine. "Kondou-san… you are the reason I exist in this world. I'm meant to be your sword. There's nothing else I want to live for."

He was afraid, Kondou realized. His favored little Souji, despite being an adult on the outside, was still that small child on the inside that was all but abandoned in front of his dojo back in Edo. Kondou reached out and touched his hand to Okita's shoulder with a gentle smile on his face. "Of course. Forget I said anything, Souji. I just want to make sure you're happy."

Okita immediately relaxed and smiled at Kondou. "As long as I'm helping you achieve your goals, I'm happy."

It would take time, Kondou realized, and a few gentle nudges here and there, but eventually, he hoped Okita would strive toward one or two goals of his own.

When he expressed these concerns to Hijikata, the Vice-Commander seemed less than enthusiastic. "You spoiled him too much since he was a kid," he told Kondou. "Now he's dependent on you and your approval. You can't expect him to change that overnight."

Kondou looked down with a sad smile. "I know, Toshi; I just want what's best for him. Souji is a man now, and a high-ranking Captain of the Shinsengumi. He's of samurai birth. Doesn't he want anything for himself? A home? A family?"

Hijikata pressed his lips together in a thin line while he collected his thoughts. After a moment, he sighed and placed his hands on his knees while he looked toward Kondou. "I don't think he's thought about settling down once all his life. The one thing Souji and I agree on is our dedication to the Shinsengumi and to you, Kondou-san."

Kondou's smile turned a little more sly. "I'd be happy to see _you _settle down with a wife, too, Toshi."

An amused sound came from Hijikata's throat. "I am far too busy to even bother with such things."

The Commander disagreed—if Hijikata wanted to, he could make time. But he wasn't about to push the matter, either. In all the years they'd known each other, it had never worked before. "And Souji?"

"Souji may not be as busy, but he's even less interested," Hijikata informed him. "You should be content that Chizuru fusses over him like she does. That's as close as you're going to get to finding a wife for Souji."

As if Hijikata had just said the magic words, Kondou's back straightened, and his eyes widened. "Of course," he said. "_Yukimura-kun_."

"Chizuru?"

"I just need to find Souji a nice girl like Yukimura-kun!" Kondou said enthusiastically. "Then I can rest easy knowing he has a secure future."

Hijikata stared at Kondou for a long time before he smiled and sighed. "My friend, you are hopeless."

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

Despite Hijikata's advice, Kondou took it upon himself to start looking for a suitable wife for Okita. When he told him this, Okita was less than enthusiastic.

"Why do I need a wife? I've done fine by myself so far."

"Souji," Kondou said. His tone spoke of disapproval, but his indulging smile said otherwise. "Every man needs a wife to take care of the house and kids while he is away. I would be lost without Tsune to take care of little Tama-chan back in Edo."

"I don't have kids or a house," Okita pointed out. "So getting a wife would be pointless."

Kondou waved his hand in dismissal. "Those things come later. When Mitsu-san left you in my care, I knew the day would come when I would have to set you up with a nice girl to become your wife. Now, I realize that it is traditionally the father's duty, but I hope you don't mind me taking over in that regard…"

Okita's face bore a pinched expression, torn between seeking Kondou's approval and desperately not wanting a wife. "I'll do whatever you want, Kondou-san, but do I have to get married?"

Kondou furrowed his brow. "I didn't expect you to be so against it, Souji. Is there someone else?"

"Of course not!"

It was one of those rare, once-in-a-blue-moon moments where Okita blushed, though it was from embarrassment, not from love. Naturally, Kondou interpreted it the other way. Completely disregarding Okita's words, Kondou's face lit up with excitement. "There is, isn't there? Tell me who she is! I can pull some strings and set you up with her!"

At that moment, Inoue Genzaborou's voice came from outside the door. "Excuse me! I've brought Chizuru-chan here with some tea."

"Perfect timing, Gen-san!" said Kondou. "Come in, Yukimura-kun."

The _fusuma_ door slid open, and Chizuru picked up the tray of tea off the floor. She moved inside the room and set it back down before sliding the door closed. While she served tea to Okita and Kondou, the Commander continued his conversation as if Chizuru wasn't there.

"Well?" he pressed. "If you won't give me her name, at least tell me what she's like!"

"There's no girl," Okita said with a pained expression. It was bad enough that Kondou was even _having_ this conversation, but did he have to have it with Chizuru right there?

Kondou's smile didn't waver. He took a sip from his tea and then lowered the cup. "Come on, Souji—I've known you since you were little. Tell me her name, and I can set you up with her!"

Okita's eyes flickered over to Chizuru by mistake, but Kondou caught the gesture. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), Kondou completely missed the intent. "Ah, Yukimura-kun, can you think of any nice girls around your age that would make a good wife for Souji? I feel… someone younger than him, with spirit, who will take care of him and not put up with his attitude. What do you think?"

"K-Kondou-san—" Okita protested.

Chizuru's face brightened to a marvelous shade of red. Her wide eyes locked onto Kondou's. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She quickly ducked her head.

Okita's previous embarrassment was forgotten in the wake of the distraction. "Kondou-san, Chizuru-chan has lost her voice, remember?"

Fatherly concern spread over Kondou's face. "Oh, that's right. Still, Yukimura-kun? It has been a couple of days now. Can you not utter even a little sound?"

Chizuru looked up at him with an apologetic smile and shook her head.

Kondou returned her smile with one of his more gentler expressions. "Of course. I'm sorry to have forgotten, Yukimura-kun. Here we are celebrating Souji's recovery, and you've come down with something yourself. Do you need to rest?"

Chizuru quickly raised her hands and waved them in front of her in her usual _don't worry_ gesture. She smiled in a reassuring way.

"Very well," Kondou acquiesced. "Just take care of yourself and get well soon."

Chizuru nodded happily.

Okita watched their interaction with unguarded amusement. He never could get over how pure and optimistic Chizuru was. It was one of his favorite qualities about her, not that he'd ever tell her that. He realized that his stare had lingered a moment too long, so he schooled his features back into his usual attitude and took a slow, steady sip of tea.

"You're always in such good spirits, Yukimura-kun," Kondou commented happily. "Even when you're ill, you still have a smile on your face. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say you brighten the atmosphere around this place. Thank you."

Chizuru looked completely humbled by the praise. She bowed to Kondou and smiled and nodded several times, trying to mime her gratitude to him with her gestures. Kondou understood and brushed it aside with his easy-going laughter.

"Now if I could just find a girl like you to set up with Souji…"

"Not gonna happen, Kondou-san," Okita replied with a smirk. He stood up and carried his katana at his side. "There's no other girl like Chizuru-chan." As he walked past her, he reached down and ruffled her hair before continuing on his way and excusing himself from the room.

The random affection left Chizuru red-faced and overjoyed. Despite Okita's cold words to her before, now that he was feeling better, he was returning to his old self again. It made her very happy to see him smiling again like he used to.

Walking in on Kondou talking about setting Okita up with some girl left a churning feeling in her gut. But Okita had brushed it all aside and said there was no other girl like Chizuru. Her heart raced. If only he knew what those words meant to her. …If only they meant something to him, too.

Kondou chuckled and scratched the back of his head in an awkward fashion. "I guess he has a point. You're a special girl, Yukimura-kun."

Chizuru bowed and smiled in gratitude.

* * *

**The First Month**

* * *

Hijikata Toshizo was skeptical and suspicious by nature. Though he didn't think twice about Chizuru's mysterious illness which took away her ability to speak at first, after a week went by and she still showed no signs of talking, he began to question it.

Before making any of these suspicions apparent to others, he first started watching her. She went about her usual chores, smiling as if nothing had changed. She wasn't fatigued, feverish or even coughing. If it weren't for the fact that she wasn't speaking or even humming as she worked, Hijikata would think that there was nothing wrong with her.

So then… perhaps it wasn't that she _couldn't_ speak, but that she chose not to? But why would she make such a choice? Perhaps something had happened or changed with her. Whatever it was, he wanted to get to the bottom of it before anything worse came of it.

"Chizuru."

She jumped and ceased her washing of the laundry to turn around and face him. When their eyes met, she smiled and bowed.

Hijikata did not return the gesture. "Why aren't you speaking anymore?"

Chizuru straightened her back, her face a little worried. She raised her hand to tap her throat, but Hijikata would have none of it.

"Don't bother with that 'lost your voice' excuse," he said. "You're not sick. Why won't you speak?"

She was clearly hesitating, and it made Hijikata's eyes narrow. She must've sensed his thinning patience, for she bowed in apology again. When she straightened her back, she touched her throat and shook her head.

"You won't tell me," he inferred.

Chizuru's shoulders slumped, and her gaze fell to the ground.

Hijikata sighed. "I'll let this go for now. I expect you to explain yourself in time."

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

Hijikata wasn't the only one bothered by Chizuru's sudden silence. It irked Okita as well, but any time he mentioned it, she just smiled and made her apologetic gestures. He didn't have ample opportunities to pester her about it, though. As the reinstated Captain of the First Division, he spent most of his time with his men, training his body, and patrolling Kyoto.

Luckily for Chizuru, most of the others were at least sympathetic to her struggles. Harada Sanosuke, the Tenth Captain, always treated her nicely, and now that she'd lost her voice, he was even more inclined to help her than before.

"Here, Chizuru-chan," Harada said with a gentle smile. He offered her a rolled up scroll and a portable brush. "I had some leftover money from my wages and got this for you. I'm sure it's hard not being able to speak to anyone."

Chizuru accepted the gifts with the brightest, happiest smile he'd seen on her since Okita's recovery. She bowed gratefully to him several times.

Harada laughed and brushed it aside, making it clear that it was no big deal to him. "Now if you need to say something, you can write it."

The first thing she wrote was for him: _Thank you very much, Harada-san_.

Harada's gift certainly made her life easier. Rather than miming everything or trying to communicate with gestures and body language alone, Chizuru was now able to write notes if what she had to get across was too complicated to act out.

Heisuke worried about her more than ever, even with her notepad. "It must be something serious! It's been over a week and she still doesn't have her voice!"

"She's getting by alright though," Nagakura pointed out. Truthfully, he didn't think much about Chizuru's voice or lack thereof.

"I can't believe you guys aren't more concerned about this," said Heisuke. "What if we never hear Chizuru-chan's voice again?"

"That would be upsetting," Harada agreed. "But until we know the cause, it's best not to stress her out too much."

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

For an entire month, Yukimura Chizuru did not utter a single sound. Some of the men in the Shinsengumi began to think she had gone mute. The captains all had varying opinions.

Nagakura took it in stride. "If she doesn't want to talk, then why force her?"

Heisuke worried about her feelings toward the men. "I just don't want her to be mad at us or something…"

Harada worried about Chizuru herself. "It isn't normal for a girl to stop speaking. Something must be wrong, but she can't tell us."

Saito rarely offered his opinion, only giving it when asked. "It is none of our business if she chooses not to speak. We must respect her privacy."

Hijikata didn't share his opinion with the others. He knew something wasn't right with Chizuru, something that wasn't medically related. But he didn't like the idea of forcing the information out of her, either. Still, it had been a month, and he had no intention of standing around waiting for her to open up about it much longer. It was affecting his men, which affected the Shinsengumi, which made it his problem—at least, that was _his_ logic.

And Okita…

Okita _hated_ it.

"Chizuru-chan," said Okita. She looked up and smiled, clearly happy to see him. That brightened his mood a little. He beckoned her over with his hand. "Why don't you come for a walk with me?"

Chizuru hesitated and looked down at the broom in her hands. She was in the middle of her chores. Hijikata probably wouldn't like it if she wandered off. Her gaze drifted back up to Okita, and she put on her best apology face.

Okita folded his arms over his chest and didn't look remotely deterred. "Don't give me that look," he said. "Hijikata-san can get over himself. I haven't spent time with you in a while, so I'm going to fix that."

She couldn't hide the confusion from her face. Okita actually… _wanted_ to spend time with her? Her heart quickened, and she once again looked down at the broomstick. She pressed her lips together in a thin line. It was always so hard to tell where she stood with Okita, but… there was no doubt that she was immensely fond of him. If he wanted to spend time with her, then nothing would make her happier.

"Come on, Chizuru-chan," Okita said again. "Unless you want me to leave you behind."

Chizuru made up her mind. She set down the broom against the wall and hurried over to where Okita was standing. She gave him a bright, happy smile that he returned with an amused little grin of his own.

Okita reached over and patted her head. "That's better. I'm heading into town for a little bit to pick up some _dango_. Come with me."

Dango was a delicious-sounding prospect. Chizuru happily walked at Okita's side. The two of them passed under the gates of the temple and headed into town. While they walked past various stores and vendors, Okita brought up something that had been on his mind.

"Kondou-san seems down lately," he said as they walked side by side. Chizuru looked up at him, her eyes asking him to continue. "He's been talking about Edo and the dojo. His family."

Chizuru's face became sympathetic. She knew that Kondou had a wife and daughter back in Edo. The little girl was around four, she believed. She'd probably only seen her father a handful of times. How lonely it must be for the two of them back home…

"I asked him if he wanted to take time off to visit them, but he said he can't leave Kyoto," Okita said. He folded his arms in front of him and slipped his hands into the sleeves of his blue _haori_. "I don't see why he doesn't leave everything to Hijikata-san and do something nice for himself."

Chizuru looked thoughtful as she debated a few reasons. Knowing Kondou-san, he was probably putting the needs of the Shinsengumi above his personal needs. It was just the kind of man he was.

She reached into her pocket and took out the notebook Harada had given her. Okita watched as she wrote out the_ kanji_ for _'Responsibility_.'

Okita frowned as he accepted the note from her. "So you _still _aren't speaking, huh?" It was rhetorical and required no response, so he shifted his green eyes down to the note. "Responsibility. It's Kondou-san's responsibility to stay in Kyoto?"

Chizuru looked at him with a frown. He was deliberately misinterpreting her.

At her unwavering stare, Okita sighed and said, "_Yes_, I know. Kondou-san is the leader of the Shinsengumi. He feels duty and honor-bound to stay with the troops. It just goes to show how amazing Kondou-san is, that he'll sacrifice so much."

Chizuru beamed at Okita and nodded happily.

Okita chuckled as he pocketed the note Chizuru had written him. He reached over and ruffled her hair, which made her squirm, much to his entertainment. Harada was always messing up her hair, but now that he'd tried it himself a few times, Okita found he liked her little reactions enough to keep doing it. "Come on, Chizuru-chan. Let's get that dango."

They walked side-by-side, and Chizuru felt truly at peace. She was content just to be near him, but to be able to call it pleasant company was wonderful. She couldn't stop smiling. Okita noticed her giddy expression every now and then and made teasing comments, and she responded with embarrassed gestures. It was fun, something she sorely missed.

"Chizuru-chan," Okita said as the two of them headed down the main street. "You aren't actually sick, are you?"

Chizuru cringed and bit her lower lip while she tried to figure out what to say and how to mime it. She made a few unintelligible gestures, but Okita knew what she was doing.

"Don't lie," he said. "You don't have any symptoms besides your voice. But you _were_ able to talk just fine before. So what changed? Why did you suddenly decide not to speak anymore?"

Chizuru drew back from Okita a little. Her face was touched with worry. She looked up into his green eyes like a frightened child, and Okita hated the way that look made him feel.

"Do you… are you mad at us?" He couldn't bring himself to ask her if she hated him. The question died halfway out of his mouth. He wouldn't be able to handle it if she said she did, or worse, she hesitated.

Chizuru's fear vanished, but her worry increased tenfold. She stepped toward him and put her hand on his arm while rapidly shaking her head in earnest. _Never_.

She didn't seem to be lying, but her response still wasn't enough to quell Okita's self-deprecating fears. "Then… is it me?"

The look on Chizuru's face said she was horrified that Okita would even suggest such a thing. She raised her hands to hold the sides of his face and looked up at him, completely sincere. Her brow was pinched in worry, and she shook her head, mouthing _Okita-san, Okita-san, Okita-san!_

It was the most forward she'd ever been with him, and it caught Okita a little off-guard. But if she wasn't using her voice, her body language and gestures had to be increased in order to get her meaning and eventual point across. She looked so genuine, so honest—if she insisted that it wasn't personal against him, then Okita wanted to believe her.

He wanted to, but…

Okita raised his hands and gently took hold of her wrists. He pulled her arms down so she wasn't touching him and then turned away from her. This was affecting him… far too much. It was on his mind too often. And it seemed, no matter what he said, Chizuru wasn't going to change her mind and start speaking again.

"Come on, Chizuru-chan," he said. He was losing his warmth. "Let's get that dango."

Chizuru followed him… for as long as Okita would allow her to do so.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

**TK:** This story was inspired by **"Kimi no tameni" by Miss Ragdoll**, which is on my favorites list. It's a 4-part short story about Chizuru sacrificing her life (and afterlife) in exchange for Souji's. It motivated me to try something similar but still different. I hope you like it :D

To my old readers, I know I promised a samurai story, and I **do **have one in the works. It will be another SI-OC type where you can take on the role of the main character. However, it's taking longer to prep because it requires a lot more research, heh. Hopefully this little trilogy I am writing/posting now can whet your appetites in the meantime.

Anyway, to my new readers, I like to do a discussion at the end of each chapter. Please participate in my ramblings.

**Today's topic**: Point of View

For the sake of this discussion, we'll limit it to first and third person. Approximately 90 percent of what I write is in third person. I like it because I can write about what _everyone _is thinking/feeling, and not just the main character. Of course, that tends to lead to my sloppy habit of switching between characters one paragraph after another. My editor friend gets on my case for that all the time whenever I write something original. But it seems so tedious to make a page break just to switch characters and tell what they're feeling too, when I can just put that in another paragraph right under there!

I digress. Anyway, that being said, I enjoy first person as well. It is a bit more narrow, because you're only hearing from one character, but it also really lets you get inside that character's head to an extreme that you can't in third person.

So I think it depends on the situation/type of story, yeah? For something that you want full immersion on, like an OC story, I think first person is best. But for a story like this one where you're (I'm) bouncing between characters and their reactions to things, third person seems to be the way to go.

But it's also about which style people prefer _reading_, not just writing. I prefer reading third person! Dunno why. But if it's well-written, I can totally get into a first person story.

What about you guys? Do you prefer first or third person? Or are you one of those weirdos who's like "second person ftw, yo" (like those actually exist). Looking forward to hearing from you!


	2. HOPE

**Background Information on this Alternate Universe:** This story follows the timeline of the game until Chapter 3, where we will assume the battle of Toba-Fushimi is not going to take place, and the Shinsengumi will continue being a police force for Kyoto. I'm also keeping them in Nishi Hongwanji rather than Fudodo, for simplicity's sake. We spent a lot of time there, so I'm more familiar with the layout and have a better mental image to write with.

The story follows the game romance, Okita's route, up to the point where Okita is bedridden with tuberculosis but not yet a fury. For the sake of this story, I've removed the furies. And the demons. In fact, the only supernatural entity will be the 'god of wishes' that the Protagonist encounters, but that is something I made up entirely and not from actual mythology.

**TK:** Whew! Here's part 2 for ya. Man, the tricky part about this one is the fact that Chizuru can't speak. I have to rely crazy heavily on body language so she can communicate. It turned out to be a lot easier said than done; it makes this story a real challenge.

To _Guest Too_: We meet again! Thank you for your kind words (concerning both this chapter and the last chapter of ...SSL? Those are the initials? Really?). Like you, I'm a believer in happy endings, so you never have to worry about that with me, haha. Authors do have creative license, yes, but they should also listen to what their readers have to say, too, so I always take suggestions and things seriously. And yes, at this point in the game Okita had a pretty big case of denial XD

**[**Okita x Chizuru – Very Slight AU. Chizuru meets with a god who agrees to cure Okita's tuberculosis if she agrees to not utter a sound for an entire year.**]**

* * *

_**A Year of Silence**_

_TK Grimm_

* * *

**PART II: HOPE**

* * *

**Settling the Routine**

* * *

Even though her loyalty was without question, Chizuru still wasn't really allowed to leave the Shinsengumi headquarters without permission. She wasn't expressly _forbidden_ from doing so, but it was heavily implied that she should take at least one person with her, should she need to go into the city for something.

Chizuru was fond of all of the captains from the Shiei Hall group. Each of them had carved out a place for himself in her heart, and she couldn't possibly begin to choose favorites. In that regard, she honestly didn't mind which one of them escorted her into the city whenever she needed it.

Today, the ideal choice seemed Saito Hajime, the Captain of the Third Division. He'd saved her life almost as many times as Okita, but rather than tease her relentlessly, Saito was always calm and reserved. He was polite and formal, and Chizuru appreciated the reprieve.

Chizuru found Saito finishing up some maintenance work on his katana. He was sitting outside on the wooden walkway that went around the inner courtyard of the temple. Saito's azure eyes met hers briefly when she came into his view, but they flickered back down to his blade a moment later.

She bowed to him in greeting.

"Good afternoon, Yukimura-san."

Saito never asked Chizuru about her lost voice. He never tried to get her to speak or attempted to find out why she refused to do so in the first place. He simply accepted her choice and moved on. The admiration she had for him skyrocketed over the last few months.

Chizuru was holding a sealed letter in her hand. She held it out toward Saito and used her free hand to point to herself and then the front gates of the Nishi Hongwanji Temple.

Saito's gaze followed her pointing finger and then switched back to the sealed letter. "I understand. You need someone to take you to deliver that letter."

She beamed at him and nodded before dipping into another bow as if to say, _please_.

"It is no trouble," Saito replied simply. He stood up from the floor and slid his katana back into its sheath. After securing it at his hip, he turned toward the door and glanced at Chizuru, indicating he wanted her to follow him.

Chizuru scurried after him and followed Saito at a respectable distance. If he were Okita, she probably would have walked at his side instead. Chizuru never stopped to consider why that was before—why she felt like she had to follow one and walk side-by-side with the other. She felt comfortable and at ease around Saito, but he just seemed like the type of man that people followed.

Saito never tried to break the silence between them. Chizuru disliked silences, but as she couldn't speak, she couldn't break it, either. She knew Saito preferred the quiet, though. It was probably better this way, simply because she would feel guilty for not being able to properly respond if he _did _try to talk to her. She had the notebook Harada had given her at the start of this endeavor, but it was still troublesome to communicate by writing notes. Most of the time, Chizuru just tried to mime what she needed.

"Is the letter going to Edo?" Saito asked.

Chizuru was surprised to hear him speak, but she supposed he had to ask that question, so it made sense. She nodded and offered him the letter.

Saito accepted it, but he didn't look at it. Either he wasn't curious who it was addressed to, or he didn't want to delve into her private affairs. He was very polite.

Reaching into her sleeve, Chizuru withdrew the meager coins needed to send the letter. She held them out toward Saito, who took them and gave the instructions to the courier. Once it was paid for and ready to be delivered, Saito turned and began to walk back to the temple, so Chizuru followed him once again.

Fully expecting another quiet walk, Chizuru was once again taken by surprise when she heard Saito's voice ahead of her. "Yukimura-san?" He'd actually stopped walking and appeared to be waiting for her to catch up.

Chizuru's eyebrows rose briefly, but she quickly smiled and hurried over to him. Walking at his side was different, but not in a bad way at all.

"I don't want to pry," Saito began, his voice soft. "So you don't have to answer if you don't want to. But…" he averted his gaze momentarily, and Chizuru's lips parted, unused to seeing Saito like this. "…Your decision not to speak," he continued. "I just want to know if someone did something harmful to you."

His blue eyes shifted back to her and locked onto her face, watching for any and all telling detail in her reaction. Saito was such a stable pillar, someone you could truly rely on. In battle, he was one of the fiercest, most talent warriors the Shinsengumi had, on equal grounds with Okita. It led Chizuru to the understanding that there was an underlying threat in his words just now.

The promise of retribution if someone _had _done something to her.

Chizuru gave him a genuine smile and shook her head, hoping to convey that he had nothing to worry about in that regard. Saito still seemed hesitant. Chizuru reached out for him and noticed his look of surprise when she lightly took hold of his sleeve in her hand. She pointed at the white triangle pattern on the sleeve of his blue _haori_.

"The uniform?" he asked, uncertain of her meaning.

She shook her head and tried pointing at the sleeve again.

"…The Shinsengumi?"

Chizuru nodded. She raised Saito's arm so she could bring the fabric of his sleeve up to her face. She nuzzled her face against it and smiled at him.

Saito seemed confused at first, but understanding eventually swept over his face. "Ah," he said as his shoulders relaxed. A small smile touched his lips while he spoke. "You are truly fond of the Shinsengumi. I'm glad."

Chizuru released his sleeve and smiled brightly at him. She nodded, and the two of them continued their journey back to the temple.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

"Chizuru-chan~"

She looked up from her writing desk and turned around at the sound of Okita's voice. He was standing in the doorway to her room with an amused expression on his face.

"Writing me a love letter?"

Her face flushed scarlet, and Chizuru rapidly shook her head in the negative.

Okita chuckled and stepped inside her room. He slid the door closed behind him. The round window was open, giving a view of the sunset with a nice breeze entering the room. His green eyes lingered there a moment before switching back to Chizuru, who was waiting for him to say whatever it was he wanted to say.

"The First is going out on patrol in a few minutes," he said. "Did you want to tag along?"

After three years with no signs of her missing father, Chizuru was starting to lose faith that he was still alive. She'd grieved for him and mourned him already, and eventually stopped looking. Lately, she only tagged along on patrol if she wanted to spend time with the captains or get out of the temple for a while. It was also a good time to deliver letters.

She nodded and held up one finger to motion that she needed a little bit of time.

Okita raised an eyebrow. "You need time to finish that letter?"

She nodded again.

"Hmm~? I might be willing to let you finish writing it… if you tell me who you've been sending letters to in Edo."

For the past three weeks, Chizuru had been writing pretty consistent letters to someone in Edo. Okita knew this because he'd gone with her to take them to the courier twice, and he knew that a few of the other captains had, too. No one asked her who she was writing to. The girl was from Edo, after all, so she probably had a friend there or something. But Okita wasn't satisfied with that answer.

Chizuru frowned a little. She held a finger up to her lips and shook her head.

"It's a secret?" Okita asked. He folded his arms across his chest and grinned at her. "How do I know you're not writing to some spy, giving away Shinsengumi secrets?"

Chizuru looked horrified by the suggestion and made wild gestures of protest.

Her over-the-top reaction set Okita into laughter, and he finally waved his hand in dismissal a few times to show her he was joking. "Just kidding." He stopped laughing and relaxed his face into simple mirth. "Really though, Chizuru-chan, why can't you tell me? You're going to make me think you have some secret lover back in Edo or something. If that's the case, I'll probably have to go there myself and kill him."

She gaped at him and nearly dropped her ink brush. Chizuru quickly set it down before she got black ink over herself and her desk. She switched her gaze back to Okita and waved her hands and shook her head to signal a huge _no_.

"I don't know…" Okita said teasingly as he leaned down toward her, enjoying the shades of red her face changed into. "You could be lying to me to protect him."

Chizuru looked completely exasperated. She reached for the notepad Harada had given her and grabbed her ink brush. With a few rapid strokes, she wrote out, _I don't have a secret lover!_

Okita spared it only a glance to read it and snickered at Chizuru's over-emotional reaction. "Alright, alright, I believe you. You don't seem the type to have a secret lover, anyway."

She shot him a bland look and nodded. Obviously.

He laughed again and reached over to ruffle her hair—more roughly than affectionately this time. "Don't sass me, kid." When Okita pulled back, he grinned at the happy smile on Chizuru's face. So she liked it when he did that. "Alright, finish your mystery letter. Then meet us at the front gates and we'll go on patrol."

Chizuru finished the letter quickly and sealed the letter herself. She hurried to the front gates where Okita and the rest of the First Division were waiting. He beckoned her forward, so she smiled and took her place at his side. They passed under the gates together and began the evening patrol.

As always, Chizuru didn't speak as they walked through Kyoto. It had been three months since she stopped talking. Not that Okita was keeping track or anything.

It had also been three months since he recovered from tuberculosis, and he'd yet to even suffer a relapse. Doctor Matsumoto paid him a visit and said his recovery was remarkable and unprecedented. He congratulated Okita and called it a miracle, especially after Okita told him it had pretty much happened over night.

He'd resumed his duties as captain, and his life as a samurai continued the way it had been before he got sick. His skills were as honed as ever, his instincts as sharp—it was as if Okita had never been sick at all.

Okita never really believed that good things happened to people. Fate usually seemed to have one cruel twist in store after another. After falling down, climbing back up and walking again just seemed to be a natural part of life. He never received any 'freebies' or was cut any slack, nor did he expect it.

And yet, his fatal illness was gone, as if he'd been given a second chance.

It got him thinking from time to time, mostly when he was with Chizuru. She couldn't speak, so her usual mindless chatter that filled the silence was absent, leaving him to either talk enough for the both of them or sit in silence with her, lost in his thoughts.

When it was the latter, Okita would ponder why his illness was cured. Why would someone like him get a second chance in the first place? Okita was a sword—and a sword was a weapon. His purpose in life was to kill Kondou's enemies. It was the only thing he was good at. So dying in service to the Shinsengumi seemed a good enough way to go.

Most of the time, he believed he just had more battles to fight for Kondou and the Shinsengumi. That made sense. It was familiar. He could buy into that. But other times, he would look at Chizuru and wonder—

"Chizuru-chan," he said, his voice happy and cheerful to mask his true feelings, "would you be sad if I died?"

Chizuru's breath caught in her throat. The question clearly had caught her completely off-guard. She looked at Okita, her mouth slightly ajar. The expression quickly morphed into one of immense sorrow and worry. She reached for him and put her hand on his arm, squeezing the fabric of his _asagi-iro haori_ between her fingers. She shook her head frantically.

He could tell from her body language alone what she meant to say, but Okita wanted to hear her say it. "Hmm~? That doesn't really answer my question, Chizuru-chan."

Chizuru's worry increased. She fumbled through her sleeves until she found her notebook and quickly wrote in a message. When she finished it, she all but shoved it in his face.

_You aren't allowed to die_!

Okita laughed at her enthusiasm. "You're so _bossy_, Chizuru-chan!" He relaxed a bit and faced straight ahead as they walked. "That's part of life, though. I fight for the Shinsengumi. Eventually, that means I'll die for it, preferably while fighting."

His words felt like poison, though they were spoken with casual indifference. The way he disregarded his life and his importance clawed at Chizuru's insides. She knew Okita thought of himself as a weapon, that he served no other purpose, but it destroyed her from the inside out knowing that she couldn't change his mind and make him see that that was _not _true.

She wrote him another note. _Okita-san needs to live. You can't fight for Kondou-san if you're dead_.

Okita saw what she wrote in the note. He thought about debating with her, but with her not speaking to him, it mostly defeated the purpose. The silence between them seemed to strike louder, particularly at this moment, and he found it equal parts unsettling and displeasing.

The moment passed, and he ended up not responding. Chizuru fell into an uncomfortable silence at his side and even put away her notebook. They didn't say much else other than when Okita told her to watch her step so she didn't trip over a rock in the road.

She passed the letter to the courier and gave him his fee. When she turned back to Okita, she found him watching her with a curious frown.

"Why _do _you keep sending letters to Edo?" he asked, despite knowing she probably wouldn't answer.

Chizuru lowered her gaze and pushed around at the dirt a little with her sandal.

When he saw that he was right, Okita sighed and turned to continue the First Division's patrol.

* * *

**Visiting Family**

* * *

One week later, the Shinsengumi received a surprise visitor. A woman came to the Nishi Hongwanji Temple leading a young girl of four years by the hand. The child's black hair was pinned up with many flowers, and her hazel-colored eyes glistened like sunlight. She wore a pink kimono and had a face pretty enough to make her look like a porcelain doll.

The man who intercepted her at the gates was a samurai in the Third Division named Murasaki. "Can I help you, Miss?" He worked directly under Saito and specialized in spear-based combat. He was a heavily muscled man with a prominent jaw and narrow black eyes.

"I'm here to see Commander Kondou of the Shinsengumi," said the woman.

"I see," Murasaki said, his smile turning a little awkward. He glanced back at the entrance to the temple and rubbed the back of his neck. It wasn't exactly protocol to let random civilians into the Shinsengumi's headquarters, after all. "Well… is he expecting you?"

"It's a surprise," she admitted. She seemed so kind that Murasaki didn't want to refuse her right off the bat. "But I _was _invited."

"Tsune-san!" exclaimed Captain Harada when he saw her. He jogged over to them and stopped at a good, conversational distance with a smile. "What a pleasant surprise! Does Kondou-san know you're here?"

Kondou Otsune smiled at Harada's familiar face and shook her head. "No, he doesn't. Will you please take me to him?"

"Of course," Harada said kindly.

Kondou was in the main hall with Hijikata, Okita, and Chizuru, who was the only one who didn't look surprised to see Otsune and her daughter. There was a tray of tea in the middle of the floor that the four of them had been sitting around. The discussion hadn't been an important one, or Chizuru wouldn't have been there.

The Commander went so far as to rub his eyes in disbelief, and when he realized that the vision of his wife and daughter was not an illusion, he scrambled off the floor and wrapped them both up in a tight embrace.

"I can't believe you're here!" he exclaimed. He picked up Tamako in his arms and spun her around in a happy circle that made her giggle with delight. "Oh, Tama-chan, I missed you so much!"

"We both missed you dearly," Otsune told him.

Hijikata joined the family with a rare, peaceful look on his face. It was as if many of his worries had melted away at the sight of something so happy and pure. He addressed Otsune with a simple bow at first before he fixed her with a small smile. "It's good to see you both. We weren't expecting you, though. What brings you to Kyoto?"

"Yes, you should have sent a letter!" Kondou said. He held Tamako against his chest, and the little girl held onto her father and refused to let go. "This is a nice surprise, but I would have given you money for the trip…"

Otsune bowed properly. "Please pardon our sudden appearance."

Kondou held his daughter to him with one hand and reached his other down to hold the side of Otsune's face. He gently pulled her head back up so that he could look her in the eyes. "There's nothing to pardon or forgive," he said. "I'm just glad you're here."

Otsune glanced over at Chizuru briefly before switching to Kondou with a smile. "I had a little help, but I'm glad everything worked out. We both miss you all the time while you're away…"

Okita gave an obligatory, polite smile when Otsune looked at him, but he didn't walk over there to join the greetings like Hijikata did. He wanted Kondou to have time with his family, mostly because he knew how much Kondou missed their company. The sudden appearance of Kondou's wife and daughter was certainly a surprise, but how did they get here without anyone knowing about it?

He watched Otsune and Chizuru exchange meaningful glances. Okita's green eyes landed on Chizuru. Everything clicked into place, and suddenly, it was so obvious, Okita wondered how he never caught on before. He turned his gaze toward Chizuru, who was smiling obliviously at Kondou while he played with his young daughter.

"Chizuru-chan," he said, drawing her attention to him. "You planned this all along, didn't you? Those letters you were writing to Edo—it was all setup for this. You wanted to make Kondou-san happy."

She blushed and nodded. Chizuru mouthed the words _I'm sorry_ to Okita and bowed.

Okita sighed. He reached toward her and put his hand on top of her head before using that hand to pull her toward him and into his chest. His gaze was unfocused. He didn't wrap his arms around her or anything like that. But he kept her there for a significant moment, his hand on the top of her head and holding her to him.

The moment passed, and Okita released her. He didn't say anything. No snarky comments or teasing remarks. He just turned his gaze back to Kondou's smiling face and watched the happy scene from afar with Chizuru.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

"You can't know the relief it is to see your wife and child after so long," Kondou said with a blissful sigh. "Souji, I feel like I've been reborn."

It was late in the evening. Kondou sat beside Otsune in their room with Okita nearby. Otsune had always helped Okita feel like part of the family, even though he wasn't related by blood to any of them.

Tamako was asleep in Okita's lap. Ever since she was born, Okita had taken a liking to her. On the rare chance that he returned to Edo, he always visited her and played with her. He was good with children, and Tamako was his favorite. Much like Kondou, Okita spoiled her rotten, and Tamako loved every minute of it.

After playing with her all day, she'd finally fallen asleep in his lap that evening while Okita spoke with Kondou and Otsune. They reminisced on the past and caught up with each other. It was the first time in a while that Okita was able to completely relax. He didn't want to take up all of their family time, but he knew they wouldn't begrudge him a few more minutes, especially since Tamako was asleep.

"It's good to see you so happy, Kondou-san," Okita said honestly. He couldn't quite get up to move, lest he wake up Tamako, so he was stuck there for a little while longer.

Kondou looked at him with undisguised fondness. "I'd like to see you happy, too, Souji."

"I'm happy so long as I can fight for you," said Okita. He'd had this conversation a few too many times in the past few months, since his recovery. He was starting to have a few automatic responses because of that.

Otsune surprised him, though. "I think there are other things that make you happy, Souji-kun."

Okita made a slight attempt to not look completely skeptical. "Hmm~?"

Otsune smiled innocently at him. "You seem very fond of Chizuru-chan."

His throat went a little dry. Okita forced his expression to remain oblivious and neutral. "Everyone is fond of Chizuru-chan."

"It's true," Kondou said, beaming. "Yukimura-kun is always looking out for everyone in the Shinsengumi. I can't believe she went to the trouble of booking you passage here by ship, though. I can't thank her enough for giving me some time with you both."

"She's a sweet girl," Otsune agreed. "We started corresponding a few weeks ago, and she's been like a little pen pal to me. It was very nice of her to help me plan a trip to visit you." Her eyes drifted back over to Okita. "She didn't tell you she was writing to me?"

He shook his head with a slight frown. "She doesn't talk anymore."

"Yes, she mentioned that in her letters," said Otsune.

Okita's gaze snapped toward her. "Did she tell you why?"

"No," Otsune replied with a smile.

Okita sighed and switched his gaze back down to Tamako's sleeping form. So Chizuru wouldn't even open up to a fellow woman about why she refused to speak. The future looked grim for some reason. It was getting harder for him to imagine her talking or even the sound of her voice. He didn't like how negatively that affected him.

"So," Otsune said, slyly changing the subject as he addressed her husband, "have you had any luck convincing Souji-kun to take a wife?"

Okita looked like he had a bad taste in his mouth, but Kondou laughed the question aside. "I haven't!" he admitted. "Souji stubbornly refuses any suggestions I make. I thought maybe it might be better to find him an Edo woman instead."

Otsune brought her finger to her lips and looked toward the ceiling in pretend contemplation. "Hmm… but where can we find a good Edo woman in Kyoto? Why, the only one I can think of is Chizuru-chan."

Okita's eyes narrowed. He wasn't nearly as oblivious as Kondou was, so he saw through Otsune's words as soon as they left her mouth.

Kondou laughed good-naturedly and said, "Sometimes I forget that Yukimura-kun is from Edo, too. Ah, but I can't set Souji up with her. He's in love with someone else."

"I am not—"

"_Really_?" Otsune asked, genuinely surprised. "Who is she?"

"I'm not sure!" Kondou admitted as if Okita's protest hadn't even registered. "He won't tell me who she is! But he dodges the subject like he used to when he was a kid trying to get away with things."

Okita frowned. "No, I don't…"

"You do," Kondou grinned. "It's how you wormed your way out of trouble when you were younger. You may be an adult now, but some things never change."

Otsune relaxed a little, and her smile returned. "I see. She must be quite the girl to have caught Souji-kun's eye."

Okita could hardly believe what he was hearing. "_There is no girl_," he insisted.

Kondou chuckled and said, "Right. Of course." The wink that followed wasn't even remotely subtle.

It was a good thing Okita couldn't bring himself to argue or sass Kondou. Anyone else wouldn't live another day after saying that stuff in front of him. Instead, Okita was forced to sit there and endure it until the subject was mercifully changed once again.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

Tamako had an adorable fondness for Okita. She followed him _everywhere_. She was a quiet girl, more like her mother, but she had her father's eyes. Her kindness likely came from both parents, but she had a shy side that seemed to come out whenever Okita was around. She'd follow him around the temple closely, bee-lining his every step.

It amused Okita so much that at one point, he stopped abruptly and waited. Barely a second later, Tamako accidentally bumped into him because she'd been following him so closely. Okita glanced over and saw Chizuru biting her lip to keep from laughing, and he grinned. He turned around and picked up Tamako in his arms, holding her up by his chest so he could meet her gaze.

"You're too cute, Tamako-chan," he said teasingly.

Tamako beamed at him. "Thank you!" She had her father's bright, megawatt smile.

Like most children, Tamako had an early bedtime, landing right after the First Division returned from patrol. Okita was barely past the front gates when she came calling his name, barreling into him with childish enthusiasm. Tamako wrapped her arms around Okita's legs and looked up at him happily.

"Welcome back, Souji-kun!"

Okita cheerfully picked her up with a soft, "Hey, you. I'm back." He glanced back at his men in the First Division and dismissed them. Their duties were finished for the day, and many of them were likely eager to relax and drink sake.

While the First Division was on patrol, Tamako had been playing with Chizuru. Tamako was a polite girl who didn't bother Chizuru about her lack of a voice. And Chizuru found her to be as adorable as Okita did, so she didn't mind spending time with her while Okita was busy with his duties for the Shinsengumi.

And so, that night, Chizuru and Okita tucked little Tamako into her futon together.

"Sleep well, Tamako-chan," Okita said as Chizuru pulled the covers up to the little girl's chin.

"Good night, Souji-kun. Good night, Chizuru-chan."

Once Tamako was settled and falling asleep, Okita and Chizuru quietly left the room. Chizuru had a blissful look on her face as she followed Okita outside. They sat down together on the wooden walkway overlooking the inner courtyard. The night sky was alit with stars and moonlight, and a few lanterns illuminated what the natural light did not. The night was beautiful and quiet.

The night air smelled fresh and crisp. It was rejuvenating in its own way. Summer was over, and winter was well on its way. Soon, Kyoto would be covered by a light dusting of snow. Okita was looking forward to it. He'd been sick and banned from playing in the snow like the others had last year. This year, he'd actually get to enjoy it.

He was about to comment on that, maybe challenge Chizuru to a snowball fight, but then he remembered that she wouldn't be able to answer him.

"Sometimes I wonder if you're ever going to talk again," Okita commented idly. He glanced at Chizuru briefly out of the corner of his eyes. Her hands were folded in her lap, and she was looking at the ground with a sad expression. "Not that your silence is bothering me or anything. It's just… you've been so quiet. I haven't heard you say anything since—" he broke off mid-sentence at the memory of the cruel things he'd said to her that day. Was that the last time he'd heard her voice? Truly?

Chizuru fidgeted, but she did not speak. Not that Okita expected any different.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I almost kinda miss it," he said, looking away from her. He heard her breath catch in her throat, but he didn't want her to see his face when he said ridiculous things like this. "You used to drive me nuts with your worrying and nagging. Now I'd give just about anything to hear it again. Isn't that stupid?"

He saw movement from his peripheral vision and looked over in time to see her shake her head vehemently. Her lips were turned down, and her brow was creased in worry.

Okita gave an agitated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair in a stressed gesture. "And yet you still won't talk to me. I don't get it, Chizuru-chan… Are you mad at me?"

She shook her head rapidly again. She didn't seem to be lying. That was the thing about Chizuru—even if it wasn't what the other person wanted to hear, she was always, always honest. It was his favorite quality about her.

"I just… don't know what to do," he confessed, averting his gaze to the ground. "Damn it… You're usually the one who fills the silence, not me. But since you won't talk, I keep saying more and more stupid things. Why is that?" His green eyes shifted to catch hers, and they locked on. "Why won't you talk to me anymore?"

Chizuru held his gaze for a moment, and he watched as her eyes welled up with tears. She dropped her head down, ashamed, and covered her face with her hands.

Okita grimaced; the last thing he wanted was to cause _more _tears from her. "Alright, alright, I won't ask anymore. Just… don't cry, okay?"

She sniffed, wiped her eyes, and managed a slow, shaky nod.

* * *

**The Deal**

* * *

In the dead of winter, now six months into Chizuru's vow of silence, Hijikata had had enough. Feeling like he'd been more than fair, it was now apparent that Chizuru had no intention of revealing to anyone why she wouldn't speak. It was also clear that it wasn't an illness; she was quiet because she chose to be. And he was going to find out why.

"Chizuru," he said. His deep voice startled her, and she looked up at him in confusion. "Come with me. You can finish that later."

She'd been in the process of washing the floor. Hijikata's orders were not to be ignored, though, so Chizuru set aside the damp cloth on the rim of the water bucket and quickly followed him into the wooden walkway around the temple. He didn't speak as he led her toward his room. When they made it, he slid the door open and stepped inside, leaving it that way to indicate that she was to enter.

Chizuru stepped inside Hijikata's room and slid the door closed behind her. She sat down on the floor across from him and tried not to feel too terribly intimidated by the frightful way he was staring at her.

"There's no one here but us," he said clearly. "You're going to tell me why you won't speak."

She looked down at the ground submissively.

Hijikata scowled at her. "I mean it, Chizuru. This isn't normal behavior, especially from you. It's been _half a year_, and you haven't said a single word. To anyone. So cut the bullshit and tell me what's going on."

That was Hijikata. He was straight and to the point. His words could be a bit cold, but despite his harsh tones, he'd proven to care deeply for those close to him, especially Kondou. Even knowing that, he _was _still frightening.

Chizuru looked at him and covered her mouth with her hand. She shook her head.

It didn't change his mind. "If you're not going to tell me," he said stubbornly, "then _write _it."

Chizuru leaned back, looking like an animal about to flee, but Hijikata held her gaze dominantly, silently refusing to let her do so. He nodded toward his desk where some spare paper was already set up. There was an ink stone already prepared with water in the well area and a set of three brushes waiting for her.

"You're not leaving this room until you tell me why you won't speak," he threatened.

She had no choice. Slowly and hesitantly, with body language resembling a scolded child, Chizuru moved over to the small writing desk and sat down in front of it. She glanced back at Hijikata, perhaps to see if he'd change his mind, but his stern gaze was unwavering. She shrank back and faced the desk once more. After dipping the brush into the ink, she began to write.

_I made a bargain with a god_.

Hijikata peered down at the words with a furrowed brow. "A god? Do you mean that literally? A spirit or something made a deal with you and took your voice?"

Chizuru looked apprehensive, but she wrote a name.

_Tanukishiro_.

At twenty-eight years old, Hijikata hadn't listened to folktales or supernatural fables in many years. Perhaps that's why it took him so long to place the name from a memory in his childhood. "The God of Wishes?"

Chizuru nodded.

Hijikata was not an expert on spirits and legends. His beliefs were much more concrete, much more solid and _what-you-see-is-what-you-get_, so to speak. It wasn't that he didn't believe her; it's just that he had little to no experience with such things.

Still, what he _could_ recall was that nothing could be obtained from Tanukishiro without a price. "So you made a wish, and the price of that wish is to never speak again? Tell me you wouldn't be so foolish."

Chizuru shook her head and wrote another sentence on the paper.

_A year of silence_.

Hijikata nodded, refusing to show the relief he was feeling on the inside. It was a bit ridiculous how thankful he felt knowing Chizuru wasn't mute for the rest of her days. In six months time, she would be back to her old self. Chattering away to anyone who will listen and talking to herself when she thinks no one can hear her. He didn't let it show just how much he actually missed that.

But there was still one unanswered question. "What was your wish?"

Chizuru pressed her lips together tightly as she averted her gaze. Her hand which held the ink brush seemed reluctant before she finally set it to the paper once again.

_I can't tell you_.

Hijikata narrowed his eyes. "Is that part of your bargain with the spirit?"

God, spirit, deity, demon—who knew what such beings really were. Some things were just better off without proper labels.

The way Chizuru hesitated and couldn't make eye-contact told Hijikata all he needed to know. She wasn't _forbidden_ from saying what the bargain was, but she didn't _want _to say what it was, either. Still, that wasn't going to fly with him. He wanted answers.

"Chizuru." A warning.

She cringed. Chizuru looked at the paper, then at Hijikata, then back at the paper while she mulled over her options and debated what to write.

Before she could decide, someone approached Hijikata's door. The voice belonged to Okita. "Hijikata-san?" Without waiting for an invitation, Okita slid open the _shoji_ door. "Not to interrupt what I'm _sure _is important, but Kondou-san was asking for you."

The bitterness in his voice was nothing new. Okita hated sharing Kondou, especially with Hijikata. The fact that Kondou (likely completely oblivious) sent him to fetch Hijikata was probably salt on the open wound. However, when Okita saw that Chizuru was in the room, his frown seemed to deepen.

Chizuru looked even more surprised to see him. Her eyes shot from Okita, to the paper, and back to Okita—a gesture that did not go unnoticed by Hijikata. He furrowed his brow and tried to piece it all together, ignoring Okita's previous comment.

Did Chizuru's wish… have something to do with Okita? Once Hijikata considered the possibility, the realization that followed hit him like a splash of cold water. His violet eyes widened considerably, and he stared at Okita as if in a state of shock.

"Impossible…" he murmured.

Okita raised an eyebrow. "What is?"

A fearful expression crossed Chizuru's face when she realized that Hijikata must have figured it out. She frantically waved her hands in front of Hijikata and shook her head, hoping to convince him otherwise, but her actions only served to prove his suspicion was correct.

The shock vanished from Hijikata's face and was replaced with anger. He turned toward Chizuru and reached out a hand to grab the front of her kimono. He pulled her in a little and all but growled, "You _didn't_. Tell me you didn't do it, Yukimura!"

Okita was at her side in a second. He caught Hijikata's wrist in his hand and looked at him with an icy coldness in his green eyes that far surpassed his usual annoyance for the Vice-Commander. "Let her go, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata released Chizuru only to round on Okita. "Did you know about this, Souji?" he demanded. "Did you put her up to this?" He looked ready to throttle Okita, or at least hit him.

"Put her up to _what_, exactly?" Okita shot back.

"Don't play dumb!" Hijikata snapped. "Did you tell Chizuru to sacrifice her voice to cure your illness?"

Okita recoiled back as if he'd been slapped. His anger melted away in the face of his shock. There was no faking that expression. Hijikata knew right then and there that Okita truly had no idea that that was the reason Chizuru wasn't speaking.

When he spoke, his voice shook a little. "Is that true?" He turned toward Chizuru, his tone a firm yet disbelieving command. "Is what Hijikata-san just said _true_?"

Chizuru lowered her head in shame. Knowing she wasn't going to answer, Hijikata calmed down a bit and answered for her. "She has to remain silent for an entire year." His violet eyes shifted over to Chizuru. "Did you even stop to think of the consequences here? That if you fail, if you so much is laugh or cry out in pain or _anything_, his illness will come back and it will be _your fault_?"

She couldn't bring herself to look either of them in the eyes. Her shoulders were slumped in remorse. Of course she realized that. That's why she'd tried so hard to remain completely silent for the past six months.

Okita's mind was reeling in turmoil. He clenched his hands into trembling fists at his sides and stared at Chizuru. The whirlwind of emotions going through him were a jumbled mess more chaotic than a typhoon.

"Why?" he said. He hardly recognized his own voice. "Why would you do that?" Of the mess of emotions, his anger seemed to make it to the surface first. "I never asked for your help!"

Chizuru shrank back away from him in fear.

Okita couldn't believe it. The rest of the world around him, including Hijikata, became nothing more than a blur. As the reason for Chizuru's silence these past six months sank in, he found himself torn between shock, denial, and resentment.

"I don't need your help!" he said harshly. "I never asked for any of this! Why would you even—" he broke off mid-sentence, right as he caught sight of her tears.

Chizuru noticed where he was looking right away and quickly raised her sleeve to wipe at her face, but they kept on falling. She used the temporary distraction to get up and quickly run from the room.

"Chizuru!" Hijikata yelled. She was already gone.

It was the first time she'd left the Shinsengumi headquarters on her own. Chizuru didn't even look back. She just ran until she couldn't run anymore. She ducked in a tiny alleyway between two buildings and leaned her back against the wall of one of them. After sliding down to the ground, she wrapped her arms around her legs and buried her face so she could cry in peace.

Okita never liked receiving help from anyone. She knew that. She knew he would be furious with her if he ever found out the reason she couldn't speak. That was the main reason she never told anyone. Whatever Okita's opinion on the matter was, the answer was clear to Chizuru.

If it meant saving his life, a year of silence was a price she was more than willing to pay. It wasn't even that high of a price. The difficulty in it was the fact that she _had _her voice, she just couldn't use it. So any time she wanted to laugh or cry or gasp or say anything at all, she had to hold it down, bottle it up, and force herself to not make a single sound.

Because the moment she slipped up… well, she couldn't think about that. Failure wasn't an option. She would never be able to live with herself if she broke her end of the deal. After so many months of Okita being healthy and happy again, only to have that crushed as his illness came back, and _knowing _that it was Chizuru's fault…

She would rather die.

Whether or not anyone came after her, no one was able to find her. Chizuru spent the day alone in Kyoto. She wandered through a few streets and dodged the Second Divison's patrol when she saw them coming down the opposite side of the road. She wasn't afraid of them, but she was afraid to return to headquarters. If Okita looked at her with that vengeful gaze again, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from bursting into tears.

When night fell, she still hadn't regained her nerve. And Kyoto at night was a dangerous place to be.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

_They close in around her, and she cannot scream. Their hands start to touch her, and she cannot cry. They hold her arms and her legs, and all of her meager strength can't even free a single limb. Hope begins to fade._

_A gust of wind—the sound of flesh being cut. Something hot and wet splatters onto her kimono. She feels it hit her neck and drip down her chest. A gurgle, followed by a scream, and a final cry of pain; these all happen before Chizuru manages to open her eyes._

_And there he stands, his back in front of her, his head facing profile as he stares down at the thug on the ground. The moonlight hits Okita just right, making half of him a silhouette and the other half bathed in glowing light. He looks ethereal and transcendent—Chizuru feels unworthy to look upon him._

_He raises his sword, and she knows more death shall follow. But she cannot take her eyes off him as he cuts down her other attackers. It is over in seconds, but her eyes lingered on his form for hours. The image sears into her memory. Her bloodstained protector standing silent vigil before her as the moonlight cloaks his visage._

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

When the last thug fell into a puddle of blood, Okita finally turned toward Chizuru. She was on her knees on the ground, staring at him with wide eyes. The front of her kimono was splattered with blood, and even though he knew it wasn't hers, the sight of it still made his hands start to shake. A very real, very human twinge of fear coursed through his body, fear that if he'd been just one second later…

Without even pausing to sheath his sword, Okita crossed over to Chizuru in two long steps and wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her to him in a tight embrace as one hand clutched the hilt of his sword like a lifeline and the other wound its fingers into her hair.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked. He hated how terrified his voice sounded just then. "Why didn't you scream? They almost—"

Chizuru pulled back a little and looked up at Okita with wide, concerned eyes. Her brow was furrowed, and she shook her head solemnly, hoping to convey to him that she _couldn't_ scream.

"Chizuru," he said seriously. Okita gripped her chin between his index finger and thumb, forcing her to meet his gaze and know that he meant business. "If curing my illness means putting you in danger, then forget about it. I'll find another cure. If anything like this ever happens again, I want you to scream until you can't scream anymore. Do you understand me?"

She did—of course she understood. But she couldn't answer him. And she couldn't tell the truth. So she nodded, still a little frightened, and hoped he would believe her. If she were telling the truth, Chizuru knew full well she wouldn't scream the second time, either. After all, if she was dead, she couldn't make any noise and Okita's tuberculosis would be cured that much faster.

"You…" Okita breathed, staring at Chizuru in disbelief. "You're completely disregarding everything I'm saying, aren't you? You're still putting me before yourself. You _can't do that_, Chizuru-chan."

Chizuru frowned at him. Her fear was ebbing away, replaced with frustration. It was hypocritical for Okita to tell her that. She took her index finger and poked him in the chest, hard, and kept her finger pointing at him, hoping to convey those same thoughts.

Okita's green eyes narrowed. "That's different," he said. "I'm _allowed_ to put you before myself."

Chizuru's jaw dropped in a way that very clearly stated, _How is THAT fair_?

Okita pressed his mouth closed tightly for a moment. "It doesn't matter. Just…" he lowered his head and his shoulders slumped. The adrenaline was fading from his body, and he found himself feeling surprisingly exhausted. "Just please scream next time, okay? If… if I hadn't been here… If I hadn't found you in time…"

His concern touched her heart. Never before had she ever dreamed Okita would treat her this way. Chizuru's body was warm all over, and she felt like she was glowing. She reached toward him and gently held her hand to the side of Okita's face. Giving him a gentle smile, she stroked her thumb over his cheek.

When his green eyes flickered up to hers, they lowered to the smile on her lips for just a moment. Okita raised his hand and covered Chizuru's, keeping it pressed to the side of his face. It was so difficult to allow himself to be close to her like this. But it was getting harder and harder to push her away.

"Every day that I don't hear your voice," he quietly murmured, "I feel like a piece of me is dying."

Chizuru's lips parted, and her breath hitched in her throat. Her free hand gripped the fabric of her _hakama_. She wanted to speak, she felt the words on her tongue, but she didn't dare lift her voice. Her heart ached, and she hoped he understood what she wanted to say: _Please forgive me_.

Okita's eyes slid closed, and he let out a slow, unsteady sigh. When they opened, he covered Chizuru's hand with both of his and held them up toward his forehead while he looked down at the ground. Chizuru released her _hakama_ and raised her free hand up to Okita's head. She lightly ran her fingers over the top of his head a couple times in a soft, comforting gesture. When she reached the ends of his hair, she slipped her fingers through his locks to gently comb them.

To her surprise, Okita leaned into her touch. He didn't speak, though. He kept hold of her other hand and lowered it to his chin and mouth so his eyes could watch Chizuru while she lightly caressed his hair. It was such a soft, soothing gesture. It was innocent and pure, just like her.

"When this is over," he began, his voice surprisingly quiet. Chizuru's hand stopped on the side of his head. "…I want you to talk my ear off." Her eyes widened, but Okita did not relent. "I'm serious. I want you to talk so much your throat gets raw, then drink some tea and keep talking. I want you to keep me up all night by being a chatterbox. If you don't do that for me, I won't forgive you."

Chizuru relaxed, and her face settled into a blissful smile. She lowered her hand that had been touching his hair and let it slide down to his shoulder instead. Then, she gave him a calm, reassuring nod to that unspoken promise.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

**TK**:Only one more chapter of this short little trilogy. It's my own way of stalling while I prep more for my samurai story after this one. I hope I see all of you there!

Seems like most of you prefer third person point of view, like myself :D Well, here's another discussion, and it'd be swell if you all joined in again

**Today's topic**: Violence

I had a similar discussion topic in one of my Naruto stories, and I wanted to throw it into this category just to see if the answers were any different. So what do you folks think of violence in fiction? To me, there's just something weirdly sexy about a guy who can fight. A basic example here would be in, say, a superhero movie when the hero's girlfriend is kidnapped (or dies) and the hero just goes on a rampage. Total bonus points for it being violence induced by love, like in that scenario.

Random acts of violence FTW. It's how fictional men show they care XD And action scenes are awesome. I look forward to filling my next story with badassery. Hopefully believable and realistic badassery.

Yeah, okay, maybe that's just me, or maybe you think something's wrong with me in the psychological department for getting my jollies on some guy (Okita) beating up (killing) someone to protect Chizuru (me/you, if you're playing the game version). Maybe I'm just desensitized to it.

Any of you know what I'm talking about and agree? Or are you like, "Ermahgurd, violence is wrong D:" (Then you probably shouldn't be fantasizing over Okita) Or are you somewhere in the middle, like, violence is okay when it calls for it, but use it in moderation?

Let me know what you think on this topic!


	3. VOICE

**Background Information on this Alternate Universe:** This story follows the timeline of the game until Chapter 3, where we will assume the battle of Toba-Fushimi is not going to take place, and the Shinsengumi will continue being a police force for Kyoto. I'm also keeping them in Nishi Hongwanji rather than Fudodo, for simplicity's sake. We spent a lot of time there, so I'm more familiar with the layout and have a better mental image to write with.

The story follows the game romance, Okita's route, up to the point where Okita is bedridden with tuberculosis but not yet a fury. For the sake of this story, I've removed the furies. And the demons. In fact, the only supernatural entity will be the 'god of wishes' that the Protagonist encounters, but that is something I made up entirely and not from actual mythology.

To _Guest Too_: Gosh, your reviews are just, insanely amazing. Haha, honestly figuring out how to mime the stuff she says is the hardest part about this story. Sometimes it works... others, not so much. You are spot on about Okita intervening when Hijikata got mad at Chizuru! Kudos for that. Hijikata's a difficult guy to write, so I'm stoked to hear you enjoyed his scenes. I'm also happy that you like this little 'diversion' story, haha :D

**[**Okita x Chizuru – Very slight AU. Chizuru meets with a god who agrees to cure Okita's tuberculosis if she agrees to not utter a sound for an entire year.**]**

* * *

_**A Year of Silence**_

_TK Grimm_

* * *

**PART III: VOICE**

* * *

**Flowers in Spring**

* * *

Chizuru was stubborn. Okita knew this. That was probably one of the bright, shining reasons why she was able to stay quiet for so long. She was determined and had an unwavering resolve, and he had to admit, it was kind of admirable. He didn't like that she was doing this for him, to cure his illness, but now that he'd had time to settle down, the meaning behind her sacrifice struck him deeply.

Good things… didn't happen. Least of all to him. But Chizuru was doing everything she could to be a rare, good thing in his life. He felt like he owed her a debt, but he knew she'd never ask for anything in return. She wasn't doing this to gain something, and that was the most baffling, humbling part of all.

It was all for him.

Since that winter night when he'd learned the truth, Okita gradually started to come to terms with something concerning his life. While his purpose was still to fight for Kondou and kill his enemies… perhaps it wouldn't hurt to devote some of that time to Chizuru.

It was hard now, harder than it ever was before, to push her away. Any time he'd set up barriers or distance between them, she (unwittingly or not) broke them down one by one and caught up to him again. If he was being completely honest, deep down, he was glad that she did. She rose to the challenge and fought for him, in her own way.

So he decided… he wasn't going to push her away anymore. If she wanted to spend time with him, then Okita supposed that was the very least he could do. He'd spend his free time with her, protect her, make her happy.

Because in those moments where she smiled at him and chose to spend time with him over any of the others… well, it almost felt like home.

_Is this what Kondou-san meant_?

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

Something had changed in Okita. Chizuru wasn't completely sure what it was or when it happened, but gradually, he'd warmed up to her. He usually tolerated her before and teased her with his humor, but now, she noticed, he smiled more. He went out of his way to visit her and take her along on his patrols of Kyoto.

A year ago, she never would have imagined such a thing was possible. But now, he actually seemed, well, genuinely happy to be around her. She didn't dare ask him what had changed. What if she messed it up? It was too wonderful to question. She just wanted to enjoy it for as long as she possibly could.

As the snow began to melt, and the first signs of spring were in the air, the two of them spent more time outside. The coming of April meant the blooming of _shibazakura_, or pink moss. They were tiny pink flowers the bloomed in large quantities.

"I have an idea," Okita said suddenly. He took Chizuru's hand and led her into the grassy area of the inner courtyard where several bunches of pink moss were growing. Gently, he pushed her down onto the ground so she was sitting. Okita sat down in front of her and began searching through the little flowers, plucking certain ones that he deemed acceptable.

Okita was very good with his hands, and that wasn't limited to swordplay. Chizuru envied his talents. She watched in fascination as he expertly arranged the flowers into the red cord that bound her ponytail in place.

"I know you're pretending to be a boy," he said, "but I bet that wears even you down after a while."

He was more perceptive than most people gave him credit for. Chizuru felt her face flare up in a blush, but she didn't dare move. She could feel his fingers in her hair, arranging the tiny pink flowers just so. Never before had she felt so spoiled. She was smiling from ear to ear.

Now that Okita knew Chizuru wasn't keeping quiet because she was mad at him, he was much more understanding of her silence. It was difficult to think about what she was doing. He knew she was holding her tongue to cure his illness. He didn't want her to go through such a difficult ordeal for his sake, but the fact that she _was_…

She'd always been interesting. Even on that first night, all those years ago, when they'd brought her to the Shinsengumi's headquarters in Mibu. She was different from the other girls, an amusing curiosity. A single piece of innocence in a cruel, tainted world. Maybe that's why he protected her so many times. To preserve that.

Okita was drawn to her. She was like a magnet. If he could resist checking on her, then she would find him instead. It was a distraction, a possible weakness, one that he sometimes tried to cut out of himself like a cancer. Most of the time, he just didn't understand it. Didn't want to try.

And now… everything and nothing had changed. She wasn't just some girl, she was _that girl_, the one who was always there, who cared, who would never betray, leave, or abandon him, unlike…

Unlike…

"There," he said when he finished. Chizuru looked so happy. Okita lightly touched her chin with his finger and turned her head gently from side to side so he could examine his work. The pink flowers suited her, and they matched well with her kimono. "It's pretty."

Chizuru blushed, as he knew she would, and bit her lower lip to try to keep her smile from reaching megawatt brightness. He liked seeing her so giddy. She looked at him, released her lip, and bowed her head in gratitude.

Okita let go of her chin and moved so he was sitting beside her rather than across from her. Chizuru was equal parts shy with sweetness. She wasn't used to physical contact. Given his personality, Okita liked to sometimes… push those boundaries. And so, with Chizuru distracted by her flowers and her happiness, Okita slowly leaned his head down on her shoulder.

She immediately tensed up. He could picture her wide-eyed expression and closed his eyes with a smile. Okita didn't move an inch. Eventually, Chizuru relaxed, though the heat he could feel from her face was a pretty grand indication of her heavy blush.

"Three more months to go," he said, distracting her from his touch. There was something generally relaxing about Chizuru's presence. She had a calm, soothing effect on him that he'd never noticed (or paid attention to) before. He didn't have to hide anything from her. She'd seen his best and worst and still wanted to be with him. That was devotion, no matter how you looked at it. And Okita… liked it. He liked her devotion.

He opened his eyes and glanced down right as her fingers twitched toward his hand. She immediately froze and stopped, choosing instead to fidget with the fabric of her _hakama_.

_Is this what she wants_? he wondered. Could he be that for her? Could he repay her for saving his life by giving her a piece of his? It was only fair, and honestly… it didn't sound too bad. Okita was supposed to give _all _of his life to Kondou, but… but maybe there was enough left over that he could give the rest to Chizuru. If she wanted it.

"When you get your voice back," he said quietly, "you should call me Souji."

Her lips parted in surprise, and Okita couldn't help but grin. Luckily, she couldn't see the expression on his face, or she'd get mad at him for teasing her. He meant it, though. He wanted her to call him that.

He raised his hand to reach for hers and then turned it over so her palm was facing up. Okita ran his index finger lightly over her palm as he moved his lips by her ear. "Can you do that for me? Chizuru-chan…"

It was a miracle she didn't faint.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

One thing Okita never realized was that, in rare moments like that where he became too preoccupied with Chizuru, he dropped his guard. It led to the even rarer moment in which both Kondou and Hijikata could watch him from afar and not be noticed.

Okita and Chizuru sitting in a garden of flowers was a sight anyone in the Shinsengumi would have stopped to see. But for the two that did discover it, well, it was such a perfect moment that neither of them could bring themselves to break it.

From their vantage point, Kondou quietly conversed with his old friend. "Somehow, it never occurred to me that Yukimura-kun was the answer to all of my hopes for Souji."

"I wouldn't say he's ready to settle down," said Hijikata. "But if I had to leave Souji's future in someone's hands, she's the one I'd feel most comfortable with."

"That's practically a glowing recommendation, coming from you," Kondou said teasingly.

Hijikata made a quiet, amused sound before adding, "That being said, neither of them are very adept at recognizing their own feelings. Particularly Chizuru."

Kondou wasn't worried. "Don't worry so much, Toshi. Let them be young. They both know more about love than you might think."

* * *

**Relapse**

* * *

Contrary to what anyone else thought, Chizuru knew a lot about love. Or at least, she'd learned a lot over the past year. She was no fool; Okita held her heart in the palm of his hands. Maybe he always had. It had been her feelings, her choice, which led to her sacrificing her voice for him, to taking on this nearly impossible challenge, without asking for anything in return other than his health and happiness.

If that wasn't love, then what was?

No, Chizuru knew. She knew, and the more time that passed, the closer he got to her, the more cemented that fact became. He didn't push her away anymore. He indulged her, was kind to her, and he called her pretty and made her happy. There was no greater reward for a girl in love.

The weeks passed by, changing into months, and soon, the promised day of Chizuru's bargain was just a couple of days away. She spent most of her time with Okita. Nowadays, he indulged her company and returned her affection—in his own, teasing way, as if he couldn't quite understand what he was doing and why but was unable to stop himself from it anyway.

Despite the Choshu rebels all but disappearing these days, Kyoto was still a dangerous place. Most suspected they were biding their time to make one last strike against the Aizu Clan and the Shinsengumi. Chizuru didn't like to think about it, but she could tell Okita had been itching for a good fight.

She never doubted his ability. Never doubted the fact that he could defeat any opponent he came across. But no one was immortal, and the greatest swordsman in the world was still subject to the whim of things like fate and luck. The truth was, no matter how skilled Okita was, anything could happen.

Everyone expected the Choshu to ally with Satsuma and attack the Fushimi Magistrate's office. On that day, two days before Chizuru's one year mark, word of the attack reached the Aizu Clan, and the Shinsengumi was deployed.

Only the First Division stayed behind to guard the Shinsengumi's headquarters. That had been Kondou's direct order, not Hijikata's.

Okita looked the picture of frozen devastation, torn between disbelief and revulsion. "You're not… taking me with you?"

For the first time in a while, Kondou was exercising _tough love_. He reached over and put his hand on Okita's shoulder. "I need you here, Souji. You're one of my strongest, most capable warriors. If something happens to this place while we're protecting Lord Matsudaira, then I need to know someone trustworthy and reliable can handle things here. There's no one who fits those qualities better than you."

"I'm supposed to fight at your side," Okita said. His ears were ringing. The tips of his fingers felt numb. It was one thing to be left behind in his sickness, but he was _healthy_. "I want to follow—"

"_Souji_," Kondou said, his tone showing no room for argument. Okita immediately shut his mouth, powerless in the face of the one he loved most. And Kondou… Kondou steeled his resolve, putting on his strongest, fatherly face to do what must be done. "I have carried you for many years, but I cannot do that forever. It's time you made some of your own choices and lived for _yourself_. You are not a stepping stone for _me_!"

Okita recoiled in shock. Kondou never raised his voice, especially not to him. He opened his mouth a few times, but he couldn't even find the strength to speak, much less two words to string together.

Kondou felt himself wavering at the look on Okita's face. He clenched his hands into fists to steady himself so he would not falter. He lowered his voice, but he did not abandon the strength in the finality of his tone. "I want the First Division to guard our headquarters. Can you handle that, Souji?"

Even with his mind reeling, Okita managed to autopilot himself into a response. "Yes… Kondou-san."

Being a warrior was one thing, a leader another, but none of it compared to the trials of being a father. Whether bound by blood or not—and Kondou would know something about a father-son bond not blood related—the choices and steps taken to help boys grow into men were never easy. But all birds must leave the nest someday.

Still, Kondou couldn't handle playing the villain for long. His shoulders sagged, and he found himself regretting his actions. "Souji," he said, much more kindly. "You will always be family to me, but I don't want you to live your life for me. I want you to live your life for _you_. And now, your illness is gone, and you can finally do that. You may not understand the importance or significance of a wife and family now, but someday you will. If it means you will continue fighting as a Captain of the Shinsengumi, then that's fine."

Kondou reached out again and put his hand on top of Okita's head. "But listen," he continued. "There's more to you than this. You're not alive to fight for me or kill my enemies. You're not a sword for the Shinsengumi with no feelings or goals of your own. You're not _mindless_." He took a breath, hoping that he was getting through to him.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Kondou finished. He dropped his hand from Okita's head and let it hang at his side. "But I'm doing this because I love you and want what's best for you. One day, when you're a parent, you'll understand. Family is home, and that is where your heart must truly lie."

Okita didn't know what to say. Few people could render him speechless like that. He watched Kondou's back as he walked away from him. Part of him wanted to reach out, maybe even beg, anything that might make Kondou turn around and come back. But another part, small and fragile and hardly aware of its own existence, thought about the lesson Kondou was trying to teach him. It was the same lesson he'd been pondering for the past six months.

Kondou did not always have the answers Okita wanted or agreed with. Sometimes, Okita's questions would find others willing to answer. Sannan in particular had always been good at twisting words in a way that would inspire Okita to continue fighting blindly for the Shinsengumi.

But then… there was also Chizuru. She'd been standing there the whole time and had heard everything Kondou said. Okita wondered, if she could speak, how she would explain the lesson Kondou was trying to teach.

"Could you explain it?" he asked, not truly expecting an answer. "Would you, even?"

He didn't think she would respond, but she did. Chizuru used Harada's notepad, and she wrote to Okita the meaning behind Kondou's words.

_Kondou-san wants Okita-san to live life to the fullest. He wants you to experience everything the world has to offer. To be healthy, happy, and free. He loves you_.

"I'm happy when I'm fighting for Kondou-san," Okita said, almost robotically. How many times had he been forced to repeat that, like a mantra, after all these years?

Chizuru seemed to mull over her words again and wrote him another note. _To live your life as a weapon, you must be willing to die for Kondou-san. To throw away your life for him without thinking of your future. Kondou-san wants Okita-san to think about the future. He wants you to care about your life_.

Okita brought his hand up to his forehead to thread his bangs between his fingers in a tight, stress-induced grip. He stared listlessly at the ceiling of the room while he spoke. "If I've devoted that life to Kondou-san, what is there to care about?"

Chizuru didn't know how to answer that.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

There was no battle at the Magistrate's office. Instead, Choshu attacked Nishi Hongwanji, seeking not to kill the Kyoto Military Commissioner, but instead to exact revenge upon the Shinsengumi for their defeat in both the Ikedaya Incident and the Kinmon Rebellion.

The First Division was nearly overwhelmed. Despite being outnumbered, they fought valiantly. The temple became the location of a massacre. Blood splattered the floors and walls, and bodies were strewn about where they fell in combat. It was a last ditch effort on the Choshu's behalf to strike the Shinsengumi where it would hurt.

They nearly succeeded. Of all the troops left behind to guard headquarters, the First was probably least suspected. Had the Third been there as well, the battle would have been over before it even began.

Even with the lack of numbers, the First Division nearly annihilated the enemy. Okita, however, was distracted. His mind wasn't on the fight. It was on Kondou, his words, his lesson, and the enigmatic concept of a future that he never believed he had to begin with. Was it really something worth fighting for?

Chizuru saw the moment Okita let his guard down. It was his indecision and distraction that led to a Choshu samurai coming up on him from behind. In the face of her impossible odds and lack of ability, Chizuru did not hesitate. She ran forward as the samurai lifted his blade and pushed Okita out of the way.

The tip of the katana sliced vertically down her arm and left a deep gash. The pain was so intense, so out of nowhere and overwhelming, that Chizuru cried out. Okita registered the sound immediately and whipped around, severing the samurai's head from his body with a single stroke of his katana.

The last enemy fell, but the damage was done.

Chizuru smacked her hands over her mouth in horror. Like a jolt of lightning had passed through his body, a sudden pain shot through Okita. His eyes widened, and a moment later, a terrible cough forced its way out of his throat. It took him by surprise, for it had very nearly been an entire year since he'd last felt symptoms of his illness.

The cough overwhelmed him, and he fell to his knees. All of the recovery and progress his body had made vanished in the blink of an eye. He could feel his scarred insides returning to the state they'd been in before Chizuru made that deal. His lungs burned in agony, and each cough brought him closer to a fate he'd thought he'd escaped.

"_No_!" Chizuru cried. She frantically knelt down beside him and put her hand on his back. "Oh, please, please _no_! Okita-san!"

He tasted blood in his mouth. The last cough brought it to the surface. He saw it splatter in his hand, drip between his fingers, dark and unhealthy.

"How could I—" she cut herself off, her voice shallow, broken, and unused for so long. "How could I—"

Chizuru turned and ran. Okita reached out toward her, but she slipped between his fingers as another coughing fit brought him to the ground once more. He took small, short breaths to minimize the pain and get it under control.

Forcing himself to his feet, Okita went after her. He supported himself by holding the wall. Was this what he'd felt a year ago? He'd gotten so used to being healthy again that suddenly being struck with advanced pulmonary tuberculosis was like finding yourself waking up in a rotting corpse.

He stepped outside, and fatigue hit him just as hard as his coughs. Okita pressed his hand to his chest, his fingers ensnared in the fabric of his clothes. Each breath was labored. His men were running around frantically, side-stepping corpses and searching for Choshu survivors. One of them slipped in blood and fell over with a startled yelp. Okita ignored them all.

He found Chizuru on her knees in front of the well. Her hands held the rim, strained with white knuckles. Tears poured from her eyes as she sobbed and begged to a deity that just wouldn't listen.

"_Please_!" she cried. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Give me another chance! Take whatever you want! Take my voice, take my life, take my soul, just please spare him!"

_Her voice_

_Her life_

_Her soul_

All to spare him. To spare _Okita_, who wasn't worth a single one of those tears. He pushed himself off of the wall and forced enough strength into his legs to walk over to her. Okita collapsed behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, mindful of the shallow wound on her arm. "Chizuru-chan…" He hardly recognized his own voice.

Chizuru tried to pull away from him and continued begging the well. "Please," she said. "Please take me instead. I'm begging you, please… please…"

It hurt to speak, but Okita had no choice. "Stop." He tightened his grip around her waist and pulled her backward, into his chest. She wailed and reached for the well, but he wouldn't let her go. It was over now—there was nothing she could do, and he knew it.

But she'd tried. She didn't abandon him like so many others had. Even in the face of her failure, she was offering what little she had to try to fix it. Still, if the god or spirit or whatever it was that she'd summoned _did_ appear and agree to take her life in place of his… Okita wouldn't allow it.

"Please don't cry," he said.

Chizuru couldn't even bring herself to turn around to face him. He'd asked, but she couldn't stop her tears, either. Never before had such a painful, wretched feeling of self-loathing coursed through her before. At that moment, Chizuru was her own worst enemy.

"Okita-san," she said, her voice shaking. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

He knew she was. It wasn't like Okita was without those feelings of his own. Regret, frustration, let down hopes—he'd be lying if he said he felt none of those. Despite that, he didn't hold it against her. It was an impossible task from the start. It's so easy to forget how a simple noise like a laugh or a cry or a sound of pain can escape without anyone even noticing. He felt resentment… but he could never feel it toward Chizuru.

With her back pressed against his chest, Okita leaned his head down to Chizuru's left shoulder. He bunched up the fabric of her pink sleeve and pressed it tightly against her wound to stop the bleeding. She wasn't going to move or try to take care of herself, he knew. Someone had to make sure she didn't just sit there crying to the well and bleeding.

"Shh," he said soothingly, ignoring the stinging in his throat. "Don't do this to yourself."

Chizuru buried her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry," she repeated.

"I know," said Okita. "But you gave me one last year to be healthy, and that was more than I would have had otherwise. I'm grateful."

He just wished… he wished he'd had more time to be healthy _with her_. That thought, that regret, was the one that screamed the loudest protest in his mind. It wasn't that he wouldn't go down fighting, that he wouldn't give his life for Kondou, or that this illness had come back to claim him after all.

It was the thought that he'd had another option, one he'd never considered or thought of or even realized was there. There was a possibility, a future, a chance at something different from being a living weapon, being something _more_—with _her_…

"But don't you dare… sacrifice your life for mine," he said, his voice straining. "No more deals. A year of silence is one thing, but your life, your _soul_… Chizuru—"

She turned around and wrapped her arms around his back. She clung to him like a lifeline and cried into his clothes. "Okita-san," she said. How he missed the sound of her voice. "I'm so sorry, Okita-san."

* * *

**A Loophole**

* * *

When word arrived at the Fushimi Magistrate's Office that the last of the Choshu had been defeated by the First Division at Nishi Hongwanji Temple, the Aizu Clan rejoiced, and the Shinsengumi set off toward their headquarters to celebrate.

Hijikata was the first to find Okita and Chizuru by the well. Given the way she was crying and how pale Okita looked, he knew right away what had happened. Part of him couldn't believe it, even though he was looking right at them. Chizuru had failed? She'd spoken? While Hijikata had scoffed at the idea of her deal at first, over time he genuinely found himself believing that she would succeed, and everything would go back to normal come July.

And now, the sight before him was crushing. Okita Souji, his annoying little brother who constantly tried to make him miserable, was dying again, only this time, he was doing it in the arms of the woman he loved.

It was too much. Gods and spirits didn't exist in this world to make deals with humanity or to help them. They existed to give them a shred of hope and take it away in the cruelest way possible. If Hijikata saw the God of Wishes, he would draw his sword and kill it without pause.

He took a step forward, but he hesitated. Someone needed to get Okita back into his room to rest. The dreadful heat of Kyoto summer wasn't going to do him any favors in this condition. It almost seemed strange to be thinking about his illness again.

It also appeared Chizuru was wounded, if the blood on her sleeve was anything to go by. It likely happened during the attack and caused her to cry out in pain. To think such a simple thing after all these months…

Seeing them there, sitting like that, clinging to each other despite the cruel twist their fate had taken, Hijikata found himself torn. Even the Demon Vice-Commander couldn't find it in himself to interrupt them, even if it was to send Okita to bed or to send Chizuru to Yamazaki for treatment.

He heard heavy footsteps behind him and knew that it was Kondou by the man's cheerful voice. "I feel like we missed out on quite the battle here! I know it's not supposed to be too noticeable, but I feel like this summer has dragged on even longer than last year's."

Hijikata opened his mouth to respond, but his throat went dry. Words died on the tip of his tongue.

Kondou voiced his uncertainty about Hijikata's lack of response. "Ah… Toshi? Is something—" he broke off as his hazel eyes landed on Okita and Chizuru over by the well. Even for a man as optimistic and bright as Kondou, he still knew what it meant to hear Chizuru's crying. If she was using her voice, it could only mean that one thing.

Hijikata's heart felt like it clenched in his chest. He couldn't let Kondou see, couldn't let him figure out what had happened, that she'd failed, that Okita was sick again—quick, he thought, hide it. He had to protect his friend from anything bad, anything—No. No… Kondou Isami was an adult. Hijikata could not be his shield. Not from this.

"No…" Kondou said, oblivious to the emotional turmoil that Hijikata hid from the world. He took a step forward, toward the well, but the distance was too great. His shock wouldn't carry him that far. "No… Not Souji…"

Without giving himself any further time, Hijikata brought up the walls around his heart once more. Thick, steel, reinforced—strong. He blocked out the world. Then he reached over and put his hand on Kondou's shoulder. "I'll take care of things here," he said. "You should go back inside, Kondou-san."

"No," said Kondou. His voice was thick. He could hardly hear Hijikata over the ringing in his ears. This was his fault. Everything was Kondou's fault. If he hadn't forced Okita to stay behind, if he had let him come along… "Souji—"

"We don't know what happened yet," said Hijikata. The last thing Okita would want would be for Kondou to worry. That he hadn't noticed his presence yet was a small miracle. "Let me talk to them first."

"Souji is—"

"He's not your son," Hijikata said. "Or your younger brother. Or a child. He's a man. He can handle this. Please, Kondou-san, go back inside."

Kondou lingered a moment longer. Hijikata sheltered him, much like Kondou sheltered (or tried to) Okita. But he knew that Okita didn't want him to worry. He also knew that… if he stayed much longer, he was going to break down like Chizuru was. Some strong leader he was, crumbling in the face of tragedy like a young girl.

He clenched his hands into fists at his sides. Too weak, Kondou, too weak even now. Okita deserved better from him. There was no way he could face Okita knowing that it was his choice that led to this outcome. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and turned from the scene. "I just need a moment," he said. He left Hijikata on the veranda and retreated inside.

Though Hijikata braced himself, there was nothing that could have prepared him enough for this. He walked toward them, the sounds of Chizuru's weeping apologies being the only thing his mind could comprehend at the time.

That poor girl. That poor, weak girl. Was it resentment he felt looking down at the two of them? If she had been stronger, more clever, more capable, would she have kept her mouth shut for two more days? That feeling gnawing at his insides… it was acidic.

It vanished when he saw her distraught expression. She was suffering just as much as he was, if not more so. She'd doomed the one she loved. Hijikata's resentment for the fate she'd failed to save Okita from was not for her. Not her.

"Souji," he said. Chizuru probably wouldn't have heard him. "You two should go inside. You need to have Yamazaki treat her wound."

It was probably the only time Okita would ever not sass him about worrying for his health, since Chizuru was injured. Okita didn't even respond, actually. He looked down at Chizuru in his lap and held one hand to the side of her face, the other still on the small of her back.

Neither of them spoke. Okita brushed a few of her tears away with his thumb. Chizuru just looked at him and nodded in understanding. They both stood up. Hijikata wondered when they reached that level of nonverbal communication. Chizuru wiped her eyes, but her tears didn't stop. He knew they wouldn't.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

Okita and Chizuru retreated to his room. He hardly had the strength to stand. It was astounding, really, how far the body can deteriorate from illness. Just yesterday, he was running a lap around the temple and sparring with Nagakura. Now…

Now he was holding the one woman who knew him inside and out while she cried, apologized, and hated herself for being unable to save him. That was not the fate he wanted for her.

"Chizuru-chan," he said as he ran his fingers up and down her back. He would never have been able to touch her like this before. Funny how he finally gets the chance, but it's too late. If 'funny' was even the right word for it. "Chizuru-chan, this doesn't change anything." Her arms were wrapped around him, and he felt her fingers twitch on the back of his shoulders. "I don't want you to go on with this hanging over you for the rest of your life."

"Please," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Please don't say that to me, Okita-san. There _is _no 'rest of my life' without you in it."

Of course. Okita was the one who said this doesn't change anything, but it was Chizuru who actually meant those words. Even in the face of this darkness, this nightmare, this death that loomed over him, she wouldn't abandon him.

Ever.

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

For what felt like hours, Hijikata Toshizo stood there staring at the well. A practical man, he was typically seen as cold and analytical. Such things as childish fantasies about gods and spirits and demons were of no use to him. And yet, there he was scouring his brain for any fragment of memory that he could possibly recall about the God of Wishes.

He sensed a presence, but Hijikata didn't turn around. His instincts told him that someone was kneeling behind him a few feet away.

"Vice-Commander." The voice belonged to Yamazaki. Still, Hijikata did not turn from the well. "Yukimura-kun's wound does not seem to be severe. The same can be said for the rest of the First Division. Despite being overwhelmed today, they fought well and sustained few injuries."

"That is good to hear," said Hijikata. "Thank you for your report."

Yamazaki hesitated, probably wondering what Hijikata was doing out here by himself. "…Forgive me for overstepping my bounds, Vice-Commander, but the risk of heat stroke this time of year is quite high. This extended summer from leap year is taking its toll. It is not advisable for you to remain out here for too long in these conditions."

Still, Hijikata did not move. His unwavering gaze stayed on the well as if his eyes lacked the ability to even turn. "I appreciate your concern. If that is all."

Yamazaki could read the atmosphere. He didn't press the Vice-Commander any further. As silently as he'd arrived, he disappeared back into the temple.

Hijikata sat down on his knees in front of the well. The heat was stifling, though, that much was true. Leap years always tended to have worse summers in these parts, and—

A jolt shot through him, and his eyes widened. "It can't be," he said. He sprang to his feet and crossed the short distance to the well. Hijikata placed his hands on the rim, gripping it tightly while he stared down at the still water below. "Where are you, spirit? Show yourself!"

His only answer was the silence. Had anyone stumbled outside toward the well at that moment, they'd have seen Hijikata frantically yelling at an empty well. The Vice-Commander cared not for appearances. He gripped the rim of the well even tighter and snarled out words laced with hatred.

"I don't know if you're a demon or a god or a figment of her imagination," he said darkly, "but you _owe _Souji. That sobbing girl in there kept her promise! It's a _leap year_, you rancid, mottled beast."

The water at the base of the well began to bubble. It was as if a sudden heat source beneath the water was heating it up to a boil.

"Twelve months is a year, right?" Hijikata snapped, uncaring that he was talking to an empty well. "This is the thirteenth month since then!"

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

Okita wasn't sure when he dozed off, but it was the second time in his life that he woke up with his illness mysteriously gone. The jolt of fear shot through his veins like ice, and he quickly checked to make sure Chizuru was still with him. Now fully awake, he registered her presence asleep in his lap. Exhaustion seemed to have gotten the best of them both.

He relaxed, but only for half a second, immediately tensing up again when he realized that yes, somehow his illness was still gone. Something happened. Someone must have—

Chizuru shifted in her sleep, and her eyes fluttered open. She rubbed her eyes and then looked up at Okita, blinking in confusion. "Okita-san…?"

"Chizuru-chan," he said. He wasn't sure how long he'd slept. It felt like a few minutes, but it could have been hours. The sun was no indication. "Did you do anything while I was asleep?"

Her confusion was adorable. "Eh?"

Okita bit back a smile. "I feel healthy again."

It took a couple seconds for that to process, but when it did, her face lit up with joy. She quickly rose up and put her hands on his shoulders. "Really? Truly, Okita-san?" She raised one hand up to hold his forehead while she checked him for a fever despite having asked if he was serious.

"Yes, Chizuru-chan," he said, amused. "Though I'm pretty sure I told you to call me Souji when you got your voice—" he cut himself off, and his smile quickly faded. If Chizuru was speaking, and her surprise was genuine—that meant she really _didn't _have anything to do with his recovery this time. Then who…?

That fear returned, washing over him like a tidal wave. His first thought was of Kondou. If Kondou sacrificed something to cure Okita's illness—

"Chizuru-chan, I need you to get up," he said, as gently as he could manage to be in his panicked state.

Chizuru wasted no time in scrambling off of him. She was red in the face, but she understood the reason why he was so frantic. "Do you think Kondou-san or Hijikata-san might have—"

"That's what I'm afraid of," he confessed. He took Chizuru's hand and led her outside his room. Now that his body was healed again, he felt his energy returning. It was too much of a strange jolt to go from healthy, to death bed, to healthy again in the same twenty-four hours. Okita was getting a little tired of fate fucking with him.

The first place they checked was Kondou's room, but the Commander wasn't there. With each passing room, Chizuru felt more and more worried. She was relieved that Okita was feeling better, that his illness was somehow gone again, but even she knew that nothing came without a price.

Okita didn't announce his presence or anything before he shoved aside the door to the main hall. Kondou and Hijikata were seated there with calm expressions on their faces, though Kondou did look a little startled by the force Okita had used to enter the room.

"Kondou-san," Okita said, staring with shock. "Are you—did you—"

Kondou gave Okita a sympathetic smile. "How are you feeling, Souji?"

Okita rushed to his side. He sat down next to him, his fingers gripping the fabric of his green _hakama_ tightly. "Tell me you didn't sacrifice something—Kondou-san—"

Hijikata scoffed and spoke in an annoyed tone. "Of course he didn't!" he snapped. "You're healthy because Chizuru upheld her end of the bargain."

Chizuru demurely stepped into the room when her name was spoken. She furrowed her brow in confusion and looked between Kondou and Hijikata, both of which appeared far too smug given the circumstances. "Um… Hijikata-san…?"

Something in Hijikata's gaze softened when he looked at Chizuru. He lifted his cup of tea to his lips for a short sip, collecting his thoughts, before he finally said, "It's a leap year, Chizuru. The twelve months are up."

The jolt that passed through both Chizuru and Okita was very much like the cold relief that washed over Hijikata a while before. Chizuru's knees gave out, and she slumped to the floor. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she found her happiness to simply be too much to contain.

"Thank goodness," she murmured. "Oh, thank goodness…"

It was over. Okita couldn't believe it. Of all things, they'd managed to get over that stupid ordeal by a loophole. He was a hair's breadth away from losing his life to tuberculosis after all. And then, somehow, victory had been snatched from the jaws of defeat.

"Souji," Kondou said softly. He had a small smile on his face, apologetic, sincere. He gestured with his chin toward Chizuru, who was smiling and wiping at her tears and looking wonderfully relieved.

If he was being honest, Okita didn't understand Chizuru. He knew she was loyal, devoted, deeply in love, but what astounded him was that, of all her choices, she went with him. She picked _him_. Jaded, sarcastic, borderline psychotic Okita Souji. He'd considered himself a weapon for so long that he sometimes forgot he was even human.

Chizuru was a reminder of that. She always treated him as human. She was always there. Worrying, but never pitying, never disgusted or revolted or disappointed or worse, never tried to change him. He showed her flaws one after another and she just smiled and said, "Okay."

Good things didn't happen to people. They didn't, right? But… Chizuru happened. And Kondou happened. And… he _guessed_ Hijikata happened, though that one he'd rather eat dirt than admit to. But those… those were good things.

Okita stood up and crossed the distance between Chizuru and himself. He pulled her into his lap and wrapped his arms around her.

Hijikata made an amused sound and commented idly to Kondou, "I'm thinking about adding a sixth line to the Shinsengumi Rules and Regulations."

"Oh?" Kondou prompted.

"No deals with demons, gods, spirits, or supernatural entities of any kind."

While Kondou and Hijikata shared a chuckle over that, both trying to lighten the mood, Okita ran his fingers through Chizuru's hair. She was trying to get her happy tears under control, and he helped dry them a little. His mind was a bit unfocused, though. That prospect that he'd been so close to figuring out before was on the horizon once again.

That possibility, that option, that future that he'd nearly lost was suddenly _there_ again, within his grasp. After having lost it so suddenly, wrenched from his fingertips by Chizuru nearly losing her bargain with the God of Wishes, Okita realized just how badly he actually _wanted _it.

Okita had dabbled with women a little before, but nothing was remotely long-term. No strings or feelings attached. Chizuru… the promise of what she could and would give to him was equal parts exhilarating and daunting.

Chizuru represented something that Okita never considered an option for himself. Never stopped to think he might want it someday. But now, his illness was gone, and there were no gods or catches or loopholes to hold him back and make him question things. It was just him and the remaining years on his lifespan that suddenly seemed higher than he dared count.

This feeling… was it hope? Excitement for a future that he never used to believe he had? He wasn't interested before, but now… if Chizuru was with him, he wouldn't be alone anymore. From the beating, the resentment, the abandonment, the brotherly friendship between Hijikata and Kondou—if loneliness was his true illness, then Chizuru was his true cure.

_Is this what Kondou-san meant_?

Chizuru finally got her tears under control. She pulled back enough from Okita that she could smile at him while still curled up in his lap. "I love you, Souji."

His head was a storm of endless questions, and Chizuru managed to wipe most of them away with a single sentence. Her words assuaged his fears, her touch eased his doubts, and her presence calmed his soul.

This _was _what Kondou had meant. Chizuru represented a different option for him, one with a future that he could spend truly _living_.

The backs of his eyes stung, so he closed them. His lips tugged upward in a smile that he couldn't hold back. He pulled Chizuru closer and pressed the side of his face against hers. Maybe it would take years for him to fully understand it or get accustomed to it—hell, maybe he never would. But in the meantime, he would try, and if he ever forgot, he knew Chizuru would be there to remind him.

For a man who was constantly at war with the world and with himself, Okita Souji finally felt at peace.

* * *

**The End**

* * *

【新選組】

* * *

**TK:** That's the end! My original outline was actually going to end the chapter right as Chizuru accidentally speaks, but in the end my perfectionist side preferred maintaining the 3x3 pattern for the chapter format. So lucky you guys, no cliffhanger! I actually started to depress myself a little bit in that _A Loophole_ section. Yeesh.

At the time, Japan had a lunisolar calendar, so their leap year actually had like, an extra month rather than an extra day like a solar calendar. Lunisolar calendars are where we get the 'blue moon' expression from. It's not the color; it's the rarity :D I'm aware 1868 wasn't a leap year, but hey, it's fiction.

Anyways, I know it's a short story (so it's very rushed, and I apologize for that), but I hope you all still enjoyed it. As always, permanent copies of any of my stories are available on request. Be on the lookout for my next story which will be _considerably longer_ than my usual works. See you there!

**Today's topic**: Angst

I don't mean just general angst or depressing content; what I'm talking about is a more realistic sense verses what keeps the story going. For example, Souji obviously has a lot of emotional issues, and his illness really only is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to his problems. For today's topic, I'm concerned with how in depth to write emotional conflict such as that. Not just Souji, but also the heroine of the story.

Personally, I think angst is great. I love reading about characters suffering (as long as they climb back up eventually and become stronger for it). Because that's character development. But I don't like it when stories go overboard with it. If the entire story revolves around something depressing, then _I'm _gonna get depressed. It's become a bit clear to me that I seem to have a writing weakness in that I'll forsake depression/angst for the sake of story progression and preserving a 'happier' atmosphere, when it is technically unrealistic to do so.

I have to keep my readers/audience in mind, because in the end, it's you guys that I'm writing for. That anyone is writing for. When you write, you're targeting an audience, and I'm wondering what my audience (you guys) prefer here. I've been working with one of my readers to improve this aspect of my writing, but I'd like to know if more people are on the same page. That, and hopefully I've improved in writing angst of course, haha

Do you prefer stories with realistic angst or do you prefer to read _some _angst but have the characters move on and continue with the story progression?

Or do you just dislike angst in general? XD

**A million thank yous to all of my amazing readers and reviewers. Your responses keep my chapters lengthy and updates swift :D**


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